


Strange Beings

by enjolras_lexa



Series: Dear Evan Hansen AU fics [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Bisexual Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Bisexual Evan Hansen, Colour blindness, Coming Out, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Bonding, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay Jared Kleinman, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Larry Murphy Tries (Dear Evan Hansen), Lesbian Alana Beck, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Pansexual Zoe Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, References to Depression, Romance, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Jared Kleinman, all the soulmate clichés lol, and misunderstandings, jared is trans and gets a rad backstory, some bmc characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 14:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17204702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolras_lexa/pseuds/enjolras_lexa
Summary: Platonic soulmate AU!If you would have asked Connor a year ago, he would have said that soulmates just made everything worse. After all, his own soulmate was a dick, to everyone and anyone but especially to him. That, plus the fact that he had had a massive unrequited crush going back years on the boy soul-bonded to his younger sister….Well it would be enough to give anyone pause.title from Sick of Losing Soulmates by dodie





	1. Connor and Alana

**Author's Note:**

> I've been excited about this for a while! This isn't a sequel to 100 Things btw, it's a completely different universe, I just have them in the same series to keep my fics organised bc I'm very weird 
> 
> Miguel is a character from the DEH novel (which I highly recommend), and he's precious and I love him and he and Connor's relationship so there are (spoiler-free) references to him sometimes. 
> 
> This is like a mini-prologue to test the waters, not all the chapters will be this short don't worry.  
> Hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just so you have it clearly:  
> Evan’s soulmate is Zoe  
> Zoe’s soulmate is Alana  
> Alana’s soulmate is Connor  
> Connor’s soulmate is Jared  
> Jared’s soulmate is Evan  
> (THAT’S CONFUSING OKAY WOW)

Connor:

 

If you would have asked now seventeen-year-old Connor a year ago, he would have said that soulmates just made everything worse. After all, his own soulmate was a dick, to everyone and anyone but especially to him. That, plus the fact that he had a massive unrequited crush going back _years_ on the boy soul-bonded to his younger sister….Well it would be enough to give anyone pause.

The soulmate bond, the one thing everyone in the whole world was out-of-their-minds obsessed with, is as complicated as it is powerful. The bond is different every time, unique to each pair, but it does obey certain rules. First, it is always one-sided. Person A can be person B’s soulmate, but Person B would never be Person A’s. Second, soulmates are always drawn to one another from an early age, and it’s usually someone geographically close for convenience. There have been cases where soulmates lived in two different countries and didn’t end up meeting until much later on in life, but it’s ridiculously rare, and now with the rise of the Internet, much less of an issue. Third, the soul-bond is always platonic, like having a particularly close sibling or best friend. It’s not unheard of for soulmates to date, but it usually just never happens. Soulmates were supposed to support each other, balance each other out, talk about their feelings, and strengthen their soul bond, at least until one of them inevitably died and left the other irreparably broken.

 _Another reason to mistrust the whole idea of soulmates_ , Connor had always thought. _What was the point?_

Then senior year happened, and threw everything Connor had thought he had known about soulmates right out the window.

Let’s rewind.

 

 

Every pair of soulmates has their own way of finding one another. The most common way is by a mark somewhere visible on the body, usually the forearm or hand, so when Connor was born and he didn’t have a mark, that was when his parents had started worrying, and they hadn’t stopped since.

The lucky soulmates had a timer, generally on the wrist, which counted down the days until you met your soulmate. Cynthia and Larry were both one of the lucky ones, they had both met their respective soulmates in early childhood. They had gotten to count down the days, hours, minutes, until one day in like second grade when they had finally met them. Their soulmates had each given a sappy speech at their wedding, which had been filmed and was hauled out at family gatherings to show as proof that the Murphy’s did things properly. When Zoe was born, the name Alana Angelina Beck had been written in impeccable cursive on her left wrist, and their parents had heaved a collective sigh of relief. 

Connor had no timer. No mark in his soulmate’s handwriting, no mysterious scratches that appeared whenever his soulmate got hurt, no indicator of the first words his soulmate would ever say to him. As a result, Connor had been quiet and moody as a small child, liable to spend hours at a time in his room drawing or reading, and lashed out in furious and uncontrollable rage whenever anyone so much as mentioned the word 'soulmate'.

No one had figured out that he was completely colour-blind until he was six years old, when his mother had asked him why he always drew in pencil, or why he had used pink crayons for the trees and green for the sky. Normal colour-blindness was when someone had trouble telling red and green apart, or blue from yellow; something as severe as only being able to see in shades of grey and black was sometimes diagnosed as a soul-mark, albeit a rare one. The doctors had been hopeful that Connor would start to see colour when he met his soulmate, and this hope that maybe Connor had a soulmate after all was all that kept his parents going most days. As Connor got older, it was all that kept him going too.

 

 

Alana:

 

The Murphy siblings were very important to Alana, as neighbours, friends, and most importantly, as soulmates. 

Alana had met Zoe in baby group when they were tiny. The story had been told by their two families so often over the years that Alana could recite it from memory. Zoe’s mom’s head had shot up in surprise when Alana’s parents had introduced their daughter to them, and Zoe’s dad had wordlessly uncovered Zoe’s arm in a mixture of happiness, surprise, and shock. It was really rare to meet your soulmate before you learned how to talk, let alone turn out to be their next-door neighbour. Alana had grown up feeling special to be chosen by the universe in that way; not only that, but she was  _Zoe Murphy’s_  soulmate.

Zoe was smart, and kind to others, and creative, and funny, and she didn’t mind that all Alana did was talk about school and plans for after graduation in another ten years. She didn’t think Alana was boring, she almost seemed to admire her.

One down, one to go! Zoe had found her, all Alana had to do was find her own soulmate. Easier said than done.

When Alana was born, with no soul-mark visible anywhere, her parents had cried. It was, of course, every parent’s worst nightmare. Maybe Alana’s soulmate wasn’t born yet? Or they had died, or been a miscarriage? Alana’s earliest memories were of her parents talking in low voices on the phone to doctors all around the world, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. If Zoe hadn’t made her entrance in that freaking toddler music class, her parents would’ve gone on thinking that Alana had been forgotten by the universe.

When Alana was five, she had asked her mother who that boy was, the boy whose voice always seemed to be coming from the next room. It was as though Alana suspected she had a secret brother, her mom liked to joke. When they figured out Alana’s soul-mark was telepathy, it had been confirmed: Alana was special.

 

 

 

 


	2. Evan and Zoe

 

Evan: 

 

Evan was nine by the time his soul-mark was fully formed.

 Heidi had told him when he was first born that the nurses had had trouble finding his soul-mark, but a little blue dot on his left elbow that had passed at the time for a freckle had started wriggling and morphing and growing by the time he was a few hours old. A little blue Z was visible by his first birthday, and a new letter had been added to it on his birthday every year since: Z-O-E-M-U-R-P-H-Y in blue squiggly letters, with little stars added in the hole of the O and on the tips of the Z, H, and Y. It was his favourite birthday gift, getting each new letter, wondering what the next one would be. Even once the mark was finished (at least Evan thought it was, what could come after the Y in Murphy? Was Murphyson a last name?) the letters never stopped moving. It was like a magical tattoo. He loved watching the O spin slowly, sometimes clockwise, sometimes counter-clockwise, or watching the M fold and unfold itself like an accordion. It kept him company whenever his mom was working and his babysitter didn’t want to talk to him. It was almost like having a friend.

It was the same signature in blue fine-tip sharpie that he had spotted on a pencil case of a little girl sitting in front of him during assembly, pure luck considering she was a year younger than him and so they never would have been in the same class. Too nervous to talk to her, and too scared of being told to be quiet by a teacher, he had tapped her on the shoulder, contorting his arm so she could see the mark. The loud squeal she had let out before pulling him into a hug had nearly gotten them told off anyway, but Zoe was more than happy to explain to anybody who would listen that the boy (“What’s your name again? Steven? Oh, _Evan_!”) had just found his soulmate, and that the soulmate was her.

Their parents had set up a playdate for the following afternoon, and the two had been inseparable ever since.

Zoe didn’t seem to mind that Evan was quiet. She liked to sing and dance and draw, and even at the age of eight she could talk about anything for hours. She especially liked talking about her own soulmate.

“ _My_ soulmate’s Alana, she’s not in your class, I think she’s in the other third-grade class? 11B? Maybe you can be friends with her too! I had her name on me when I was born. We were in the same baby group when we were really little, so our families are friends too. She’s really pretty and really really smart. I like her a lot. Of course I do, I mean, she’s my soulmate! She hasn’t met hers yet. She says she can sometimes hear what her soulmate is thinking, and she’s pretty sure it’s a boy. She says he seems a little sad. He thinks a lot about his own soulmate. He hasn’t met them, and he’s not sure if he even has one. So Alana really hopes she’ll meet her soulmate soon so she can help him find his! She’s really nice like that. She has a long long _long_ list of all the clubs she wants to join when she gets to high school and all the languages she wants to learn and all the books she wants to read and all the colleges she's thinking about applying to when she finishes high school. She’s _very_ organized and gets very good grades and likes to do a lot of things. Mom says she hopes ‘Lana can help me get more organized too, but ‘Lana says she likes that I’m messy. She says we're the same in a lot of ways, but that I think a little less than she does and she thinks it's relaxing. Not in a mean way! Just that she gets worried sometimes like you do actually and she likes that I calm her down and that I make her stop worrying. She says she worries a lot about whether or not people like her, but that I never do and she feels better being around me. I feel better around her! Because we're soulmates! We did finger-painting at her house last weekend and I put a big green hand mark on her bedroom wall! Her parents were a little mad but Alana said she didn’t want to wash it off so her parents let her keep it. She says it reminds her of me when I’m not there. I wanted her to do one in purple on my wall but Mom heard me and said no. Oh, him? That’s just my brother, Connor. He doesn’t have his soulmate yet either. He can’t see colours, so Mom and Dad say maybe when he meets his soulmate he’ll start to see them, but Connor says it means his soulmate’s probably dead or something. Or that he doesn’t have one at all. I really hope he’s wrong. I try to talk to him and play with him as much as I can so he won’t be lonely, but he says I talk too much about Alana and it makes him sad. Is it okay that I’m talking so much?”

“Yeah, I don’t- I don’t mind. I don’t like talking very much.”

“That’s okay! Want to do a puzzle?”

Zoe and Evan were best friends from that day forward. Soon, he was talking in paragraphs like she did instead of in shy, one-word answers, but just with her. Zoe was the only person Evan was never nervous around. As he got older, his anxiety just seemed to get worse, but with Zoe as his best friend and soulmate he was never in danger of feeling lonely.

They were each other’s first kiss, just a quick touching of lips to see what it was all about at a sleepover the summer after Evan had finished fourth grade, but they had broken down laughing about three seconds later and agreed that it was too weird. He went camping and skiing with the Murphy’s most years, and stayed over as often as Heidi would let him. He liked when she would let him braid her hair or style it in different ways, or when she would draw cartoonish portraits of him in pencil crayon. She researched trees and woodland animals with him at the library and didn't seem to mind when he babbled tree facts he had learned. He had been the first person she had told about liking both girls and boys, and vice versa. It was the only time he had ever seen Zoe look nervous, until he said that he felt the same way.

"My mom says it's okay," Evan had volunteered shyly. "She says some like one or the other or both or no one at all. And that some people aren't boys or girls, just people. She says it's all okay as long as you aren't hurting anyone."

“I think I like girls best though,” she had added. “Well, one girl.” She had refused to say who it was no matter how long he begged.

 

One time the two of them had gone to an apple orchard a short bike ride away from the Murphy family’s house, and they had spent hours climbing trees and talking until Evan took a bad fall from a high branch and broke his left arm. Zoe had taken almost two hours meticulously drawing Evan’s soul-mark on his elbow over his cast when he said he missed seeing it, adding flowers and trees to cover the rest of the plaster since it would be a while before he could bike ride or climb trees, just a little bit of nature to take with him wherever he went. He kept it in his nightstand after it had gotten sawn off.

Sometimes they would include Alana, but usually it was just the two of them, or just Zoe and Alana on their own. When that happened Zoe said Evan could come over anyway and play with Connor, since they were in the same class at school, but Connor usually just wanted to be left alone. As three years passed, that stayed the same. Evan liked Connor, and in the few times they had hung out together over the years they had seemed to really get along. But, Connor always pushed him away just like he did with everyone else, and Evan didn't want to make Connor be his friend if he didn't want to be. Zoe said that Connor was sometimes hard to be around. He just seemed to be so sad and frustrated, it looked like he was angry all the time. Zoe didn't like talking about her brother very much. They weren't as close as they were when they were children. As they got older, she ushered Evan into her room quicker and quicker before Connor could come out of his room and get into a fight with either her or their parents.

The first time all four of them had gotten together, Alana’s wish had finally come true.

“It’s you! You’re the voice I’ve been hearing in my head! You’re my soulmate!”

Evan had never seen anyone look more surprised and happy and confused than twelve-year-old Connor had in that moment. Evan thought maybe Connor had forgotten that he wasn’t just looking for his own soulmate, he was someone else’s soulmate too. Evan thought he understood a little bit what that was like, being surprised that you matter to someone. It seemed so unlikely; outgoing Alana and Zoe were the dream team, but Alana and Connor? But, Evan thought, it couldn’t be more ridiculous than Zoe and him.

 

Zoe:

 

Zoe loved her life.

As a child and early teenager, she had made many memories with Alana and Evan, her soul-bonds and best friends and the two people she loved most in the world. Things with her older brother were rocky, seeing as she had been so lucky with soulmates from an early age and him so unlucky, but they weren’t not-close, right? He just had a harder time with it than she had, she could understand that. He was lonely. As long as she tactfully avoided mention of either individual whose names began with A and E, eleven-year-old Zoe and twelve-year-old Connor got on perfectly well. Usually.

And once they found out that Connor was Alana’s soulmate, Zoe thought everything would be perfect from then on.

But Connor still didn’t have his colours, or his own soulmate, whose existence he was still very vocal about doubting. He just seemed so unhappy, it made Zoe's heart go out to him, but she was so happy herself that she couldn't always understand. Alana understood. She was great at understanding both Murphy siblings, through her soul-bonds and because of her own experiences with the whole soulmate hocus-pocus. Zoe couldn't imagine not having a soul-mark written on you. Whenever she spoke about it with Evan, he agreed, brushing the wiggly blue letters on his arm with a smile.

Alana was the only one who ever knew what Connor was thinking, and when he was thinking things that were particularly bad, Zoe saw her soulmate’s face crumple with concern before she disappeared alone into Connor’s room where Zoe couldn’t follow.

But Evan was great. And Alana was great. Everything was fine, school and extracurricular activities and friends were all good, life was good. And Connor would find his soulmate soon, and then everything would be perfect. Right? 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh this was so fun to write! Evan and Zoe friendship warms my heart, hope you liked it. Happy New Year!
> 
> \- EL


	3. Jared and Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on a writing spree because winter break is almost over and I should take advantage of the free time.
> 
> TW for self-harm mentions

 

Jared: 

 

Jared Kleinman, born Leah Hannah Kleinman, had not had an easy time with the whole soulmate thing.

When he was born, three names had been written in clumsily scrawled handwriting on the palm of his left hand, and no one knew what to make of it. It was unusual to have more than one soulmate, and almost unheard of to have three. It didn’t make any sense.

The names themselves made matters harder: Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy were ordinary enough, but _Jared Kleinman_? To be sure, a soulmate could be a blood relative, it was rare, but it happened. A sibling was what typically happened, or a cousin. Any relative that was close to you in age was the norm within soulmates-outside-of-the-norm, although there was one case Leah’s mother had read in the newspaper of a man that hadn’t met his soulmate until he was eighty-one: it was his granddaughter. However, no one in the family was named Jared, except a great-uncle who had died four years earlier.

 The handwriting turned out to be a dead end too; a name or a phrase written in your soulmate’s handwriting was one of the most common marks, so Leah’s parents had been hopeful even though all three names were in the same writing that it might be a clue towards who Jared could be or towards finding the other two. Maybe only one of them was her real soulmate? But once Leah learned to read and write, it became clear that the three names that had been driving her crazy since day one were a match for her own handwriting after all.

The letters in Connor’s name sometimes flashed a random colour for a split second, blue or orange or yellow or anything at all, before fading back to black. Evan’s name heated or cooled at different times of the day. It happened a lot at school, in assembly or whenever different classes were closer together than they normally were, so Leah thought maybe her soulmate or soulmates were in a different class, or maybe even in a different grade.

Jared’s name always stayed the same. For a reason Leah couldn’t quite put her finger on, Jared’s name was her favourite one to look at even though it didn’t do anything cool. She spent every night before she fell asleep tracing the letters gently with her fingertips, J-A-R-E-D, writing the name on her notebook when she got bored in class and feeling satisfied that it matched her hand exactly.

So, Leah had grown up not really knowing what to expect soulmate-wise. She hadn’t really had a lot of friends in elementary school, so while Zoe and Alana and Evan were finding each other and Connor was being Connor, she had spent her weekends hanging out with her older brother’s friends outside the junior high and playing video games in the basement. It was a system that worked out pretty well she thought. Summer camp and soccer practice took up most of her time, although she was never really close with anyone in particular. She made people laugh, sometimes, usually at someone else’s expense, but she wasn’t really thought of by people as _mean_. Or so she hoped, anyway. She didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it still happened often enough to make everyone hold her at arm’s length. Once they stopped laughing at whatever dumb comment she had made, they went right back to talking amongst themselves and she was shut out again. It was like everyone else had a how-to-make-friends manual inside their brains and hers had been uninstalled, or maybe never even downloaded in the first place.   

She knew Alana by sight since they had been in the same class almost every year since Leah had transferred in grade four (and by the way she raised her hand at almost every question the teacher asked) but if anyone had told Leah then that the mildly annoying, super-smart girl that sat two seats in front of her would be the key to finding her soulmate, she would have told them (in stronger language) to go get their head examined.   

Anyway, all that soulmate crap was the least of her problems.

When Leah was around thirteen or fourteen, she started to notice how different she always seemed to be from the other girls she knew. It wasn’t necessarily a bad difference, just something that was there.

She had never really minded wearing skirts and dresses when she felt like it, but she had never owned short-shorts or tight-fitting tank tops, and doing things like wearing makeup and shopping for bras felt more like just going through the motions rather than the rite of passage all the other girls seemed to consider it as. Leah mostly wore her older brother Adam’s hand-me-downs, jeans that were too long for her shorter legs and outgrown jackets and button-downs, or stuff from her older cousin Michelle.

She wouldn’t have really considered herself a tomboy as a child, but she remembered that she had seemed to care less than the other girls did about getting messy or hurt, and she had prided herself on being more rough-and-tumble than the girly-girls she knew who were scared of earthworms. She still liked some girly things, and had hung out with boys and girls growing up, it just seemed different to her for some reason. They had lived in the country for a few years when Leah was growing up, and she still laughed at memories of picking up frogs and all the times she'd fallen or gotten hurt and just not cared (as opposed to most of her female friends). All this didn’t really mean much on its own, but when Leah’s brother came out as gay and she had started going to this one LGBTQ youth group with him, then things had really started to change for her.

Suddenly she was meeting people her own age who were all sorts of things other than straight and cis, which Leah had only just learned was a word. There were people who were bi, pan, gay; boys who liked wearing makeup, girls who liked wearing boy clothes. There were a few trans guys and girls there too, and some nonbinary kids, which Leah was fine with, it was just _different_. It wasn’t something Leah had really thought much about until now. She was fine with her brother being gay; she liked boys too, there was nothing wrong with it. Boys were great.

But soon people were asking her about her own pronouns and orientation, and the phrase “straight girl” no longer sounded exactly right.

Of course, meeting queer people doesn’t make you queer, and Leah didn’t think that was what was happening to her. She was just confused, and meeting all these different people had opened her eyes to a world she hadn’t known existed. She had always thought of herself as a girl because she hadn’t really thought there was any other option, but now the idea that she was getting older, and soon she would have to grow up and be a woman, just made her feel trapped.

Flash forward through questioning and research and not-so-great feelings like dysphoria which had begun to make themselves heard, fifteen-year-old Leah figured out why the name Jared Kleinman was written on his hand.

 

Connor:

 

There were times when Connor just felt screwed over by the universe. 

First, being born with no soul-mark  _sucked_. At thirteen years of age and experience in thinking about the fact that he probably didn't have a soulmate, Connor didn't think it would be over-dramatic to conclude that it was easily the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Sure, finding his own soulmate probably wouldn't make a difference any more than finding out he was Alana's soulmate had. Still, Connor couldn't help but feel cheated out of a normal life. 

Zoe got to be normal.

He loved his sister, he really did, but she had everything and it made it next to impossible to be around her practically since day one. Not only had she never worried about not finding her soulmate, she had never  _gone without_  her soulmate. Zoe and Alana were so inseparable, it was a wonder that Connor hadn't met her sooner. He knew that Zoe had gone to her house a lot of the time as a little kid, or else he had been holed up in his room on the rare occasions that she had come over. Probably a combination of both. And then Evan and Zoe had found each other and everything had gradually gotten worse for Connor. 

Connor hadn't been one of those people who had "always known" he was queer, but it hadn't really come as a huge surprise to him. In fact, looking back on it he probably had had more than a couple early-childhood crushes on both girls and boys that had only been pushed away because he was still learning how to manage the whole "I don't have a soulmate" disaster that was his life. But still, finding out for a fact that you were bi because since the age of about nine or ten you had been slowly developing a crush on your sister's soulmate? Yeah, that was the type of fiasco that could only exist in Connor Murphy's world. The three of them had played together a little as children, but it was usually only when Zoe was off with Alana that Connor would see Evan. The few times they'd spoken had only enhanced the "wow, this boy is really cute and nice and I'm a pit of darkness compared to him"-feeling. 

If being around Zoe was impossible because of her soul-bond-fueled happiness with Alana, being around Evan was its own brand of heart-wrenching. 

 

Connor sat up sharply in bed as Alana flung his bedroom door open, visibly out of breath. 

"What the hell?" he demanded, not having the energy to restrain himself. 

"Sorry." Alana shook her head. She kept her tone casual, but Connor didn't need to have her gift of telepathy to tell she was worried. "You just seemed really....sad just now. I thought I'd check up on you since I was here anyway." 

Connor never really knew how much Alana heard. She said it was more feelings rather than words now that they were both older, his thoughts were murkier to her now and harder to decipher, but she had this look in her eyes sometimes- 

Having a one-way telepathic soul-bond, yup, just add that one to the list of why his life sucks. 

"Well, I'm fine," Connor said lightly. "No need to worry." 

Alana sat down next to him on the bedspread covered with a leafy print in, to Connor, various shades of dark grey. Connor remembered suddenly how, in a fit of frustration, he had insisted when he was eleven that everything in his room be redecorated in the same colour as a screw-you to his own eyes, and how it had been Evan's idea to choose green. 

 _"Of course, you can't tell the difference yet, but you can imagine you're sleeping in a forest."_  

Connor growled and cursed his memory. 

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Alana said softly, bringing him back to the present, "But I know it's hard for you, not having a soulmate or not knowing if you have one. I sort of get that, remember? So I'll stay, and I'll put on whatever music you want, and you can say or not say whatever you want." 

Connor knew it was useless to argue. "Fine," he gave in. "Put something soothing, my playlist is all loud and shit. You won't like it."

"I don't care," Alana said firmly, holding out her hand until Connor unlocked his phone and passed it to her. She put his main playlist on shuffle, not plugged into the speakers for the sake of avoiding provoking Connor's parents, and propped herself up against the pillows on Connor's bed, resting her head on the headboard and gesturing at Connor to come closer. With some hesitation, he scooted up beside her and slouched down a little so he could rest his own head on her shoulder. 

"Thank you," he said quietly, feeling his frustration and self-loathing start to ebb away. Alana tensed slightly as he relaxed, perhaps sensing all the thoughts and feelings he wouldn't put into words, and stroked her fingers through his hair. Connor felt his eyes get wet from the closeness, the sheer  _concern_ coming off of Alana right now that he clearly didn't deserve, and squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. He took the hand that wasn't smoothing his shaggy hair and squeezed it. Alana squeezed back. 

 

After about an hour or two of being close and sleeping in short spells, Alana pushed herself off the bed and checked her phone. 

"Ugh, crap I have to go. My group for this one school project is having a meltdown because one person didn't do his part on time and if I don't go over now and help patch things up we're all doomed. Are you okay for me to leave?" 

"Yeah, of course," Connor replied at once. "Thank you, but I'm seriously fine. No need to worry." 

Alana looked skeptical, but she thankfully seemed to believe him. "You're my soulmate, I'm allowed to worry about you. Text or call me if you need to, or if you just want to talk."

"Will do." Connor forced a smile. "Love you." That he didn't have to fake. 

"I love you too! I can come back tomorrow? We could hang out for a while, just us. I know it's harder when Zoe and Ev are around and being all happy and stuff." 

"Sure, sounds perfect." 

Alana smiled gratefully, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before disappearing hurriedly out the door and shutting it behind her with a soft click. 

Connor exhaled heavily. 

He glanced at the door to make sure he was alone, then thought loudly of the lyrics to the song he and Alana had just been listening to. He wasn't sure if it blocked her out, or if he even could block her out, but just in case and all that. He loved Alana, and he wanted to be a good soulmate to her. She didn't deserve to be dragged down with him just because he needed to....relieve the pressure a little. He tried to keep his thoughts focused on the song as he retrieved something small and sharp from his bedside table and slipped in and out of the bathroom quickly for more bandaids. 

On the other side of town, the person who would become Jared Kleinman flinched as one of the names on his hand turned dark red and stung sharply. It wasn't the first time it had happened either. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> speaking as a trans guy, the idea of a sign from the universe confirming it makes me happy / jealous of Jared.
> 
> Thanks for the read, feel free to comment/kudos/subscribe <3


	4. Evan and Jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some Evan&Zoe bonding. maybe Heidi makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Evan is 13 here and Zoe's 12 btw in Evan's part, time skip to when the boys are 15 in Jared's part.)

Evan: 

 

"Come on, who is it?" 

"Not telling." 

Evan humphed. "No fair. You know I like Christine Canigula from Phs.Ed." 

"I _know_ , I'm still shocked by that," Zoe said emphatically. "We're in drama club together you know. She's really....perky. Competitive. Didn't think she'd be your type." 

"What, a pretty, intelligent, normal girl I can pine over from a safe distance and never actually work up the courage to talk to? Is that notmy type?" 

Zoe laughed. "Sounds right to me." 

"Anyway, don't change the subject Zo." Evan narrowed his eyes. "You've been crushing on the same girl for literal years. You're my soulmate, shouldn't I know these things?" 

"Nope." Zoe shot him down flat. "If I ever find out that she feels the same way, you'll be the first to know. Otherwise, I'm not telling a single soul." 

"Do you know her at all?" 

"Am I you?" Zoe teased. "Of course I know her. Better than I know almost anyone. We talk all the time, we're very.....close." 

Zoe clammed up, looking like she was afraid to give too much away. "Anyway, we're _friends,_ that's it, and there's zero possibility of her feeling the same way. It's just a stupid crush anyway, I'll get over it. I'm not in love with her or anything." 

"Aren't you?" 

Zoe smacked him, changing the subject expertly. 

"You're really good at this, y'know." 

Evan blinked. "Really?" 

They were in Evan's room, Zoe sitting in front of him and going over her history notes while he braided her hair. 

"Yeah! You could totally be a hairdresser one day if you wanted. You do a good French braid." 

"S'just practice," Evan shrugged off the compliment. "It's relaxing to mess around with hair. Also, I barely have any and you have lots. It's pretty."

"Why thank you, good sir."

"Being an actual hairdresser on the other hand..." Evan trailed off. "I get the feeling that it involves basically talking to strangers all day. No thanks." 

"Suit yourself." Zoe squinted at her handwriting. "I think I need glasses. What does this say?" 

"Either Declaration of Independence or of Impotence. Up to you." 

"Hilarious..." Zoe muttered dryly. 

"Well, I'm heading out," Heidi announced, poking her head in the door, "If there's anything you guys need, gimme a call. Or a text would be better actually. I'm running late, but remember to order food, okay Evan?" 

"'Kay." Evan said flatly, immersing himself back in Zoe's braid. 

"I can do it Ms. Hansen," Zoe spoke up. 

"Oh thanks Zo," Heidi beamed. "Are you okay on refills?" 

" _Yes_ , Mom."  

Once Heidi had gone, neither of them spoke for a while, just silently highlighting and intricately crossing one strand of hair over another. 

"There. Done." 

Zoe peered at herself in the mirror, turning her head from side to side to get the full effect. "It's perfect! Thanks Ev. I'll get pizza?" 

"Sounds good. Your mom still on that low-FODMAP kick?" 

Zoe winced. "Yeah, she's a menace. Gingerales?" 

"Please." 

 

 

Jared:

  

Leah Kleinman checked their phone at the dinner table in a bored fashion, ignoring the thinly veiled looks of disproval from their parents. Not surprisingly, there were still no texts. There hadn’t been anything when they had checked two minutes earlier either.

They shoved their phone back into the pocket of the jeans they were wearing, formerly owned by Adam, their older brother, and surreptitiously adjusted the grey sports bra they were wearing underneath a loose red long-sleeve. They flicked back their curly brown hair, which now reached their shoulders and was starting to annoy them.

Leah glanced around at the others. Evan’s mother was talking animatedly to both of their parents, who didn’t seem as absorbed in the conversation. Adam was making the odd comment to Evan, who seemed even less talkative than Leah was themself.

It was weird, having a soulmate. Until recently, Evan Hansen had just been a name on the palm of their hand, alongside the two others that remained as much of a mystery as they always had.

It was Alana that had introduced the two. They had been paired up for a book report project, nothing out of the ordinary seeing as they had done school projects together before, but Alana had gasped when she saw for the first time the name Evan Hansen peeking out from under Leah’s sleeve.

“What is that?”

“Oh, uh, it’s nothing, just my soul-mark…” Leah had trailed off in embarrassment, knowing that most people already had both their soulmate and the person whose soulmate they were themselves by now. Not knowing something like that by the age of fifteen was vaguely humiliating. Leah had begun to assume that Evan and Connor both lived in a different state or a different country entirely, and they didn’t even want to think about who Jared could be.

“Can I see?” Alana had insisted. “I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before, Ev’s gonna kill me for being so nearsighted. It says Evan  _Hansen_ , right? I know a few Evans.”

 It was easily the most visible name of the three, written along the place where Leah’s palm met the base of their fingers. Leah had gotten used to hiding the names whenever possible by pulling long sleeves over their hand, not wanting anyone to know they potentially had three soulmates and especially not wanting anyone to see the name Jared Kleinman (knowing Leah’s own last name) and asking awkward questions.

Evan’s name had gotten gradually warmer as Alana led Leah closer to where he usually sat during lunch in the school library, becoming almost unbearably hot before thankfully going back to normal when they finally locked eyes.

Now Evan was staring down at his empty dinner-plate.

Leah wasn’t disappointed that Evan was their soulmate (or one of their soulmates), but they didn’t know if they really had that much in common. It was the third supper they had had together since they had met, and their parents were starting to become close acquaintances by now, but it still felt more like they were family friends rather than friends themselves. And soulmates? That felt like the biggest joke of all.

Leah knew Evan had already met his soulmate, even though they hadn’t met them. They barely knew Evan, they certainly weren’t ‘in’ with his friend-group, probably never would be. Evan probably hadn’t given the idea of Leah a second thought growing up, having his own soulmate plus Alana, who was basically a second soulmate to him to hear them both talk about how close they all were.

Evan didn’t know about the other names on Leah’s hand. They wanted to keep it that way, at least for now.

Adam left early to go hang out with his friends and boyfriend, he had really only come as Leah’s moral support, so Evan and Leah went upstairs to Evan’s room while the parents talked. Evan shut the door behind him with something that looked like practice, like he was used to being alone in his room most of the time.

 _Maybe having a soulmate doesn’t mean you don’t still have problems,_ Leah thought for the first time, guilt forming in the back of their mind for envying Evan.

“So,” they began, knowing Evan wouldn’t be the first to talk, “I don’t really know how the whole get-to-know-your-soulmate thing works. Do I ask you what your favourite colour is?”

“Blue,” Evan muttered. “I don’t- I don’t know either. My soulmate’s very…talk-y. We met when she was eight and I was about nine.”

 _The normal age,_ Leah thought with a pang. “That’s good.”

There was an awkward silence neither of them really knew how to fill.

“So your soulmate? She’s….nice?” Leah offered.

“Yeah,” Evan attempted a smile, “I don’t know if you know her? Zoe Murphy? She goes to our school, just a grade lower.”

“I don’t know her, no.”

 _Murphy?_ Leah wondered. The colourful name on their hand seemed to itch.

 _It’s a really common last name, it’s just a coincidence,_ they told themselves insistently. How many times had they gotten their hopes up only to be disappointed?

 

“So, Leah, what’s, uh, up?” Evan mumbled lamely. Leah winced.

“Can you not call me that, by the way?”

It seemed to catch Evan off guard. “Oh, um, sure, of course. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, if you don’t like your name. My name’s actually Mark Evan Hansen, it ticks me off when they just call ‘Mark’ during attendance at the start of the-”

“Yeah, whatever,” Leah cut him off before Evan could talk himself to death, “I just- I don’t know. It’s not you, I always hated my middle name, but lately my first name isn’t great and- I don’t know. Don’t worry about it, I don’t even know why I brought it up.”

“I could call you something else? If- if you’d rather.”

 _Like what,_ they wanted to ask.  _What will actually fit,_ please _, let me know when you figure it out for me._ “I- whatever Hansen. I don’t mind.”

“Uh, okay. Kleinman.”

They laughed at that. “That’s good, I- I like that. Never thought of just using my last name.”

Evan seemed to relax. “Look, I don’t know how to be someone else’s soulmate, but if you want to hang out with me, Zoe and Alana? ‘Lana’s Zoe’s soulmate, by the way. Zo’s mine. We could all just…be friends? Figure things out as they go?”

“I’d like that,” Kleinman smiled back.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also feel free to write a hairdresser evan au and send it to me i'll be very grateful <3


	5. Zoe and Alana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so I re-formatted the chapters, but nothing got changed or deleted so if you're a regular here just read the new chapter, you don't have to start over. 
> 
> TW for self-harm mention
> 
> that's about it! enjoy the soulmate stuff

 

Zoe:

 

Nothing was perfect. Her world had fallen apart completely in less than a single day.

It was all Connor’s fault.

“If anyone wants to know, I’ll be in my room doing homework and I’m not to be disturbed,” Zoe informed her father icily when she got home, her mother having driven her home from school. Cynthia had tried to ask her about her day, but after a curt word or two Zoe hadn’t broken the chilly silence.

If Larry Murphy was taken aback by that announcement, he didn’t show it, but Zoe heard him ask Cynthia “What’s gotten into Zo?” as she disappeared upstairs.

Zoe slammed her bedroom door behind her and put her earphones on, usually Connor’s go-to coping method. Zoe growled, pushing all thought of her brother away.

 _He fights with Mom and Dad 24/7, gets high in his bedroom, and moans about not having a soulmate until our ears all bleed, and now he’s monopolizing mine._ Zoe knew she wasn’t being entirely fair, but she had given Connor enough chances to redeem himself over the years. She’d tried to be his friend, until he pushed her away. She’d tried to include him with her own friends, since he seemed determined on alienating everyone in his own grade at school. Enough was enough, she was sick of being the perfect understanding younger sister who existed solely to balance out Connor’s episodes. Her cell phone buzzed, revealing an eighth missed call from Alana. She let it go to voicemail.

 “I don’t care.” Zoe said it out loud, emphatically. She only wished it were true.

Instead, she called Evan.

“Hey Zo, what’s-“

“Connor’s a selfish _asshole_ , and Alana and I are no longer speaking. Also, despite her being my soulmate and obviously not reciprocating for that very reason, I’m still madly in love with her and always have been.”

“Wait, what?”

 

 

 

Alana:

 

Connor had come over to Alana’s house after Zoe’s outburst at school, if only to avoid both his parents and his sister. Everyone in the hallway had heard them fighting. The angry words still resonated in Alana’s skull like trapped birds of prey.

“She’s _my_ soulmate, not yours!”

“I didn’t say anything to her-“

“I don’t care what you think! Congratulations Connor, once again you’ve screwed up my life!”

 

It was all her fault.

She glanced over at Connor, who was curled up on her bed reading _Slaughterhouse Five_. Maybe soon he wouldn’t want to speak to her either.

 _Fuck, I hate school._ Alana winced. She loved Connor, but his thoughts burned like acid when he was having a fit of self-loathing, and they were particularly clear when they were right in the same room. Alana didn’t want to wonder what Connor thought when he was alone and she was too far away or too distracted to hear.  

All she’d said to Zoe was that she wanted to move their plans for that weekend onto the next weekend, so she and Connor could-

“You always choose him over me.” Zoe had said it softly, as though it would hurt her too much to be angry at Alana. The words had still wounded.

“He just needs me right now. He needs _someone_ , you have me and Evan and a better relationship with your parents than he does and he just feels like-“

“You think always having to be perfect all the time is a good relationship? Do you have any idea what it’s like to know I’ll never impress them, that nothing I do will ever be good enough for them?”

“I’m sorry, Zo.” Alana had reached out to touch Zoe’s shoulder, but the other girl had just flinched.

“Don’t be sorry, just stop prioritizing my brother over me! You’re my soulmate!”

“And he’s mine! He’s drowning and he needs help, so if you’re asking me to choose between the two of you-“

“Don’t bother.” Zoe had thrown her hands up in exasperation, her soft blue-green eyes flashing with anger. “I think you’ve made your choice pretty clear.”

 

“What the hell did you say to her?” Connor asked, breaking the silence. His tone was casual, but Alana saw right through that as usual.

“I just-”

She sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose underneath her glasses. “We got into a fight.”

“About me.”

“Well, yes.”

There was a pause. “You don’t want to maybe elaborate on that?” Connor asked, turning a page with a flick of his fingertips.

“Nope,” said Alana flatly, collapsing onto her pink bedspread beside him.

_ Weird. Guess it’s her turn to be broody and silent for a change. _

__

“How’s Miguel? That guy you had your eye on at school? I thought you said he might be soulmate material?”

Connor huffed. “I didn’t have my- Nah, still nothing. Metaphorical fireworks maybe, but no colours. Not when we spoke, not when we- Nothing.”

“When you what?” Alana gasped. “Do you have juicy romantic details you’ve been hiding from me?”

“Hardly,” Connor scoffed, but Alana noticed his face turned slightly redder. “Soulmates don’t date-”

 _I know,_ thought Alana ruefully.

 “And even though he’s _not_ my soulmate I don’t like anyone like that, it was just a fling. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. His parents are making him change schools to rid him of my evil influence.”

“As if.”

“It’s true! He’s transferring at the end of term.”

Alana fell quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Connor shook his head, blowing a stray strand of hair out of his eyes. His thoughts were a chaotic swirl, but Alana still caught a few phrases.  

_  I miss him….. ‘Be real with me’, what does that even mean?.......Like he cared about me at all.  _

_People care about you, Connor,_ thought Alana, wishing he could hear her.

_ Haven’t cut in a few days, maybe later tonight- _

“Hey, do you want to stay over?” Alana suggested hurriedly, looking away so Connor wouldn’t see the pain in her eyes. _Why am I such a damn open book? He hides his feelings easily enough._

“Uh, sure.” Connor seemed taken aback, but still pleased. “How come?”

“Avoid your sister with me? Text your parents,” she added, tossing Connor his phone from where it had fallen on the floor. He rolled his eyes.

“Fine.”

Alana studied his face. His hair had been starting to get a little longer than the strict crew cut he’d had when they were younger, and his blue eyes had gotten icier.

  _I’m in love with her, even though she’s obviously not into me, but you need me right now more than she does,_ Alana thought to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter sorry. also, I suck at planning so I have no idea how long this fic is going to be. Hopefully longer than 100 Things; my goal is 20+ chapters but we'll see.


	6. Connor and Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no time skip this time, set a few days after last chapter, featuring pining Connor. 
> 
> Warning for unintentional misgendering (Jared's not out to Evan yet) and suicidal thoughts.

Connor: 

 

_Everything is such a fucking mess….stop clinging to Alana….you push all your problems onto her….just fucking deal with it on your own…can you manage to not drag everyone down with you for once in your life…should just stop wasting time and fucking end it already-_

“Hey.”

Connor jolted out of his thoughts to find Evan in his doorway.

 _What does he want?_ He wondered.

“I heard what happened with you and Zoe,” Evan continued when Connor didn’t respond. “Well, she told me. I’m sorry. I just met the person who is soul-bonded to me, so I get that it’s hard to juggle the two. She seems to get along okay with Zoe, but she’s a little insensitive sometimes.”

“Zoe? Yeah she is.”

“No! I meant Leah,” Evan hurriedly added. “Leah Kleinman? I don’t know if you know her? She goes by Kleinman now though actually, I don’t know why. I mean I guess I kind of get not liking your name? I’m babbling, I’m sorry. Do you like your name? I don’t know why I asked that I’m sorry-”

“You apologize a lot,” Connor interrupted. “You can come in, you know, Zoe might come home soon and see you loitering in the doorway like that. And no, I don’t like my name either. I don’t like myself very much.”

He fell silent. Evan hesitantly took a few steps into Connor’s bedroom, closing the door behind him. He looked around the room for somewhere to sit, and ended up perched awkwardly on the edge of Connor’s bed.

“Why- why not?” Evan asked softly. Connor decided not to answer. Why tell your crush exactly how screwed-up you are?

“So you met your other soul-bond?” He said instead. “That’s good.”

Evan’s eyes got wide. “I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have brought it up-”

“It’s okay!” Connor snapped, his words a sharp contrast to the anger in his tone. “You don’t have to walk on fucking eggshells around me just because I don’t have a soulmate. _Fuck_ , why are you so scared of me?”

“I’m not!” Evan shot back surprisingly forcefully. “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by going on and on about soulmates but I guess now I won’t bother. I came to say I’m sorry about what happened with you and Zoe and Alana, and I did. Now I’m going to go wait for her in her room until she comes home, because she’s hurting too and she doesn’t have Alana to comfort her right now.”

“So you’re pissed off at me too.” Connor laughed dryly. “I didn’t get in the middle of her and Alana, they had a fight and Zoe blamed me for it. As usual, I’m the fucking villain. Just get out, Evan.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan apologized again. Connor saw him take a deep breath to calm himself down, and wished that the same could work for him. “If you ever want to talk-“

“I don’t think Zoe would be very happy to see you talking to me.”

“I don’t just go along with whatever Zoe says you know,” Evan said gently. “You’re my friend, too. I shouldn’t have to choose sides.”

“Well I’m not the one making you.” Connor ran his hands through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. “Just go. You have Zoe and Kleinman, I have Alana. That’s just the way things are now. You should leave before my sister comes home.”

Evan got up and left the room, letting the door fall shut behind him with a soft click. When Connor opened his eyes again, he was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was a short chapter sorry. writer's block is getting me. 
> 
> Kudos/comment/subscribe if you like it anyway!


	7. Alana and Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some filler, while i figure out how to get this story where i want it to go. i want jared to come out soon! the characters are still like 15, hopefully there will be a timeskip soon and we'll actually get to the musical timeline and people can start getting together! pls pray for me  
> some bmc character mentions! also no TW except some unintentional misgendering of jared

Alana:

 

"Hi, it's Zoe's phone, please leave a message and I'll get around to calling you back soon."

"Zoe? It's me, please call me. I'm sorry things are so bad between us right now. _Please_ , just call me."

"Zo come on! I'm your soulmate, I get that you hate me right now but you can't ignore me forever." 

"I'm sorry. I'm not just 'sorry things are bad', I'm actually sorry. This is me, apologizing. Even though all I did was be there for your brother since no one else seems to be lifting a finger and oh right _since he's my soulmate_."

"I'm sorry for that last message, I just got annoyed. Not with you, just at the situation in general I guess? I love you and I miss you and it just sucks that you won't try to see it from my point of view. Look, you don't have to talk to Connor or to me if you don't want to but seeing as I'm one of your best friends and he's your only brother that's kinda hard." 

"Me again. Last message, I swear. I'll try not to get in the middle of you and Connor but seeing as you're both soul-bonded to me that's kind of impossible? Can you please just realize that I'm in a pretty difficult position here and I didn't mean to make things worse for you two? For the last time, I'm really sorry that I-"

 _"Answering machine full."_  

Alana flopped onto her bed. 

"She's never going to speak to me again, is she?" 

Over facetime on Alana's laptop, Evan shrugged. "It was worth a try. You could've been a bit more...I don't know. Calm and apologetic?"

"I did nothing wrong but be a good soulmate to her brother! And I did apologize!"

"I know, she's just really hurting right now," Evan argued. "I'll do my best to get her to come around, but to her this just feels like everyone prioritizing Connor's needs over hers. And I know he's going through some stuff, but so is Zoe. It just- It's hard for her to watch people brush her aside. _Especially_ when it's coming from you-" 

"What do you mean?" 

Evan reddened. "Oh, I just mean, because you're soul-bonded to each other, that's all. I mean what else would there be I-" 

"Anyway just talk to her please Evan! She's just- ahhhhh-" Alana buried her face into her pillow. "I miss her," she said in a muffled voice. 

"So how are things with Leah?" 

"Good!" Evan replied. "She goes by Kleinman actually, like her last name? Thanks again for introducing us, I actually thought once things get better with you and Zoe and Connor, we could all hang out! Zoe's met her, but Connor hasn't yet. What?" 

Alana had hummed thoughtfully. "Nothing, I just- She hasn't met Connor?"

"No, why?" 

"Just thinking about soulmate options. Is anyone else we know missing one of their soul-bonds?"

"Well, there's Jeremy and Michael, Michael's boyfriend Rich and his best friend Jake, who is actually Jeremy's other soul-bond. So Jeremy-Michael, Jake-Jeremy, Rich-Jake, Michael-Christine, who I used to like but now I don't really, I kind of like Chloe except she's a little mean and like, scary-pretty. Um, Chloe-Christine, Brooke-Jenna, Rich-Chloe. Who else did I leave out?" 

"Brooke's other bond is Rich's older brother. Then there's Dustin Kropp and Jenna. And Madeleine-Jake, Jake has three bonds. I don't know if Madeleine has her other bond? I think that's all of it? I also think Jake and Christine are together now, and good luck with Chloe because I think she's both gay and out of your league."

"Thanks..."

"Sorry. I think everyone else we know found both their soul-bonds early? We must be an unlucky little group."

"Except you and Zo."

Alana smiled ruefully. "I think that's done now. We found each other as toddlers, and now we get to have real problems just like the rest of you. So we should definitely introduce Connor and Leah- sorry, Kleinman, and if we rule her out as a possibility there's always Madeleine. And then maybe if Connor has his other soul-bond it will ease some of the Connor-Zoe friction and get me and Zoe back together! As friends, I mean." 

"Good plan!" Evan seconded. Alana hoped he couldn't tell she was blushing. 

 

 

 


	8. Jared and Zoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied self-harm and panic attacks

Jared:

 

"-and now everyone's in a gigantic fight and no one's speaking to anyone other than me and I don't know what to do," Evan finished. "What do you think?" 

Kleinman shrugged where he was sitting on the floor in Evan's bedroom, and Evan huffed out a sigh and sprawled back down onto his bed. 

"Well, when you have any ideas, let me know."

Evan put on some music, and Kleinman let himself close his eyes and lay back on the carpet. Suddenly, his hand stung sharply, making him flinch. 

"Ouch!" 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing," Kleinman said hurriedly, making sure to keep his hand hidden under the sleeve of his baggy hoodie. "Scratched myself by accident. And calm down, okay? My 'you' soul-mark itches when you get anxious."

He left out the part about Connor's soul-mark hurting, the way it had been more and more often lately. He didn't need to look at it to know it was bleeding again.

  _I have to tell Evan._ But what if he was wrong, what if it was a different Connor Murphy, and he just ended up worrying Evan and getting this Connor's hopes up for nothing? From what Evan and Alana had told him, Connor had been waiting on getting his soulmate for _years_. Assuming this Connor was his other soul-bond, would he even like Kleinman after waiting for him for so long?

What was he even thinking? Of course Connor wouldn't. He would just end up being a disappointment to him.  _No one would want a soulmate like me, like_ this _. I'm too much of a freak._  

"Sorry. Guess it must itch all the time then," Evan muttered. "I think I just need to get Zoe and Alana together again, and everything with Connor will fit into place after. Oh I didn't even tell you the best part, Zoe's in love with Alana, and I'm pretty sure Alana's in love with Zoe, and neither of them know." 

"Holy shit."

"I mean- yeah."

"Holy. Fucking. Shit." 

"Yep. Any other crises- crisis-es?" Evan questioned before shaking his head, " _crises_ I should know about? Since I apparently have to deal with everything?" 

"I'm not a girl," Kleinman blurted. _Fuck_. "I mean-" 

"Oh, so you're trans? I mean, I don't want to assume but like- um. Name? Pronouns?" 

Kleinman was pretty sure his eyes were bugging out of his head. "And that's all just....fine? You just- You're okay with....this." 

"I mean, yeah." Evan rolled over to face him. "I'm your _soulmate_ , Klein. And I know we're still getting to know each other but I'm here for you. Of course it's okay." 

"Oh- okay," Kleinman stammered. "No one else knows yet." 

"I won't tell anyone, don't worry." 

"Okay." Kleinman took a shaky breath. "Actually, can you tell them? Just Zoe and Alana and...Connor too, I guess? If you think they'll all be okay with it? I'm not ready to tell my parents or the school or anything, but it's- I want them to know, and I- I can't say it- I just-" 

"Hey, it's okay." Evan got up and put one arm over Kleinman's shoulders. After a second of hesitation, the smaller boy curled up into Evan's side. "Just breathe, it's all going to be fine." 

Kleinman let Evan stroke through his long hair, undoing the braids he'd done it up in earlier, and tried to focus on breathing. 

"Jared," he whispered after a few minutes. "I- I'm still figuring things out, but, uh, he/him and they/them are both fine, and I think I want to try maybe going by Jared. It's one of my soul-marks actually, and I think I'm kind of supposed to." 

"Whatever you want to try is fine," Evan promised, pressing a small kiss to the top of Jared's head. Jared tried not to shiver too obviously. It was a blessing and a curse having such a tactile soulmate. 

"Okay." 

 

 

 

Zoe:

 

Zoe took a deep breath, and dialed Alana's number. 

_It's okay, you rehearsed this, you can do this. Oh God please don't pick up please-_

"Hi, you've reached Alana Beck, future valedictorian and current President of the student activities committee, the GSA, the....."

_Thank everything for voicemail. Oh gosh her little message is so cute-_

The machine beeped after another minute of listing Alana's resume and extracurriculars, startling Zoe out of her thoughts. 

"Oh, um. Hey, Alana, it's me. Zoe. Murphy. Uh, I- Can we meet up to talk? I'm sorry I flew off the handle, I just get so worked up about Connor sometimes, and I barely see you anymore and I just... got jealous I guess. Also, I kind of realized I have feelings for you recently. Well recently meaning....since forever. And I know soulmates don't usually date because it's unhealthy or co-dependent or whatever, and you probably don't feel the same way anyway but if we could talk? Please? Just to like...work through it? Um, okay. I'm going to hang up now. Okay bye." 

_Crap._

 

A few minutes later, her phone buzzed. 

_Oh crap it's her, dammit, what do I-_

"Hi." Zoe tried to keep her voice casual, but it cracked anyway. "What's up? Did you, uh. Did you get my message?"

"I love you," Alana blurted out. 

 

 


	9. Connor and Jared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time skip! this catches up to the events of the musical, except it's junior year not senior (that's the year before senior, right? i'm not american so if that's wrong....oops). I'm actually really proud of this chapter though!
> 
> anyway hope you enjoy! your fabulous comments motivated me to write this chapter, so keep 'em coming :)

 

Connor:

 

Connor crept downstairs on the morning of the first day of school, already in a mood that made him want to go back to his bedroom and sleep for eternity. 

Not much had changed since the disaster a few months ago that Evan had dubbed 'The Great Misunderstanding' had happened, not really. A few things had shifted, sure, but Connor was just as colourless as he had always been so none of it had made a huge impression on him. 

Once Zoe and Alana decided that they wanted to try dating, the two siblings had wordlessly agreed to share Alana as long as they kept their distance from one another. So far there hadn't been any more fighting, just a Berlin Wall carefully held in place between them that only Alana could pierce. The girls had decided to keep the romantic side of their soulmate bond a secret from Larry and Cynthia since they weren't sure how they'd react to the taboo of the whole situation. It worked, for the most part. Connor and Alana had agreed not to talk about it either. It was awkward for a while, but things seemed okay now, if a little tense. 

Connor and Evan had started hanging out a little more since their respective soulmates were absorbed in each other, and Jared had come along once or twice as well. 

Evan had come out for Jared to their fractured friend group, and thankfully everyone was really fine with it. He wasn't out to anyone else at school or to his family yet, so they had all promised to keep it to themselves. Evan and Jared had gotten much closer since he had come out. He and Connor had given him some of their old clothes, and they had all gone together to get Jared's hair cut short. It was good, Connor knew that on some level, and he knew they tried to include him, but when Alana was off with Zoe and Evan was with Jared, where did that leave him? Connor had met Jared a few times, but Jared had just seemed really nervous around him and had mostly just talked to Evan. He was probably scared of Connor, which was Connor's specialty, wasn't it? Whatever. 

 

Connor sat down at the table where Zoe and their parents were already eating breakfast. 

"Thanks for joining us, Connor," Larry remarked dryly upon his arrival. "Ready for school?" 

"I'm not going." 

"Connor, it's the first day of junior year, you can't miss it," Cynthia chided. "Off your phone, Larry." 

"It doesn't matter, it's not like we'll be covering anything important." Connor tried to keep his temper in check. "We're just going over the course outlines and bringing home permission slips, just like every other first day of school since the beginning of time. I won’t miss anything. I'll go tomorrow." 

"You'll go today," Cynthia insisted. "Anything to add, Larry?" 

Connor's father looked up from his email account. "What am I supposed to say? He knows he has to go to school, he just doesn't feel like it. He doesn't listen. He's probably high." 

"He's definitely high," Zoe mumbled. Connor glared and flipped her off under the table. 

"I'm not fucking high." 

"Language, Connor!" 

"I don't have time for this." Cynthia sighed. "Connor, you _are_ going to school. Zoe will drive you, I don't need you getting in another accident like what happened over the summer." 

"Fine," Zoe said flatly. "We can pick up Alana on the way."

“Good idea, maybe she can exert some influence on her soulmate,” Larry added with a pointed look at Connor, which he ignored.

 Connor had been silent during the ride to school, ignoring Alana’s futile attempts to engage him and Zoe in conversation. Eventually Zoe and Alana just talked amongst themselves. Connor slouched down in the backseat, shut his eyes and leaned his head against the cold window, trying his best to block them out. All too soon, they had arrived.

He muttered a small “Bye” to Alana and got out of the car before either of the girls could say anything, and went to go find Evan.

 

 

 

Jared:

 

Jared had been ‘listening’ to Evan ramble about trees for about ten minutes or so when Connor showed up to where they were standing in front of Evan’s locker.  _Oh god he’s here. Act fucking normal Jared! Wow he looks...very different. Did he just decide not to cut his hair all summer? Why does he have a cast?_

“Hey,” Connor muttered to Evan, who quickly brought him up to speed about his summer as a park ranger.

Jared tried to remain calm and follow the conversation, but his thoughts wouldn't stop racing against his will.  _Fucking say something! Stop acting so scared around him he’s going to think you’re weird. If he doesn’t already….._

“What happened to your wrist?” Jared asked. _Good, that’s good._ “Too much time on the Internet?” he added with a wink. _Too far! Overcompensate much?_ Jared silently berated himself.

Connor looked a little miffed that Jared had interrupted Evan, but he answered the question.

“Got in a small car crash over the summer.”

“Oh my god! Are you okay?” Evan jumped in, concernedly looking Connor over as if checking for more broken bones.

“I’m fine, there was just a deer in the road, I swerved, you get the picture,” Connor reassured him with a small smile.

“Your hair got so long,” Evan said after a beat.

“Yeah, very…school-shooter chic,” Jared put in before he could stop himself.  _Fuck! Why would you say that?? He looks hot with long hair! Okay, don’t think stuff like_ that _either…._

“He’s just kidding,” Evan added before Connor could react, casually stepping on Jared’s foot in retaliation. “It looks nice on you.”

“Uh, thanks,” Connor muttered. “I should go, see you later?” He disappeared before Evan could reply.

Evan gave Jared a look.

“Sorry.”

“Go apologize.”

“What, now?”

Evan shoved his shoulder lightly. “ _Yes_ , now. I thought you wanted me to introduce you guys because you wanted to be his friend. I get that you don’t always know what to say, but come _on_. You have to know that was way out of line.”

“Fine, _fine_ , I’m going. Where did he go though?”

“Maybe the computer lab? He goes there sometimes during lunch because it’s quiet.” Evan shrugged. “Or his locker, I don’t know. Just go find him before the bell rings. See you in homeroom?”

“Sure.”

Jared wasn’t sure where Connor’s locker was, so he decided to just go straight to the computer lab and hope for the best. Sure enough, he spotted a lanky silhouette curled up in the corner with a book. Bingo.

“Uh, um. Hi.” _Good job, Jared._

Connor flinched, shoving the book out of sight and into his backpack. “What?”

He didn’t even sound hostile, just tired, but Jared still winced. He glanced around the empty computer lab as though looking for a way out of this ‘conversation’.

“I- I just wanted to apologize. I’m sorry for making fun of you, I didn’t mean to make you feel upset.”

Connor seemed to sigh internally. “It’s fine, it doesn’t really matter.”

“No one’s signed your cast,” Jared said after a beat or two of awkward silence.

“How observant you are. You might have noticed I don’t exactly have friends.”

“I’ll- I’ll sign it?” Jared offered. It came out more like a question. “I’ll sign it, if you want I mean,” he tried again. “Do you have a Sharpie?”

Connor silently passed him the black fine-tip marker. He didn’t seem to know whether or not to trust him, which made Jared’s heart hurt a little. If the guy was actually his soulmate, he hadn’t made a very good impression on him so far.

He quickly scribbled the name ‘Jared’ in small cursive on one side of the cast, his hand accidentally brushing Connor’s arm as he pulled away.

 

Connor:

Connor registered Jared’s hand just barely brush the portion of his arm not covered by the cast, before the dimly lit computer lab exploded into colour and he doubled over in pain at the sudden overwhelming light.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Jared asked, his voice touched with concern.

Connor didn’t know what to say. “I- my colours- they just- Are you my soulmate?”

Jared’s mouth opened and shut. He started to pull up his sleeve, and Connor seized his hand and dragged him down to meet him on the floor.

Written on Jared’s palm were the names ‘Evan Hansen’, ‘Jared Kleinman’, and ‘Connor Murphy’, the last of which looked raw and irritated, not unlike the scars that covered Connor’s body, but as Connor traced it with his fingertip slowly healed and turned brilliantly blue.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My research, in case you guys are interested (aka "strange stuff you google if you write"):
> 
> "Wrist Fractures – Your wrist is comprised of many fragile bones, so it’s no surprise that they can be easily fractured during a car accident."  
> https://getlegal.nyc/blog/fractures-broken-bone-result-new-york-auto-accident/
> 
> oh and the 'Connor crashing his car' thing is from the novel, idk if it got mentioned in the musical. Since Evan broke his arm as a kid with Zoe (idk if you remember? ch. 2 I think?) I thought Connor breaking something would be a cool twist? Let me know what you thought in the comments! <3


	10. Zoe and Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoe: set the afternoon after last chapter. Evan: a little while later, maybe a few weeks.   
> Just a short and sweet little update, it's quite cute but not much plot. 
> 
> In terms of word count this is my longest fic ever, including 100 Things. So.....congrats to me I guess? Let me know what you think of the fic so far in the comments, they make me smile.

Zoe:

 

 Zoe smiled at Alana from where she was stretched out on her girlfriend's bed after school. They had fallen into a kind of routine over the summer of hanging out at Alana's house and watching Gilmore Girls (among other activities), and Zoe had decided to enjoy one of the last afternoons with her soulmate-slash-girlfriend before the school routine got back into full swing and ate up all their free time.

Alana was glaring at her laptop, typing with a frenzy that Zoe had never seen from anyone else. 

"You know it's only the first day, right?" Zoe asked somewhat rhetorically. 

Alana glanced up from her assignment. "I know, I just don't want to get behind." 

"You're ahead," Zoe pointed out, getting up to wrap her arms around the back of Alana's swivel chair, "Very ahead. And there's no point in working yourself to death on the first day of the year." 

"I could be persuaded to take a break," Alana murmured, spinning around to give Zoe a quick kiss. 

"I don't know how you do it, my brain's still on summer mode." 

"Practice, I guess."

"Overachiever," Zoe teased. "I am insanely proud of you though."

She pulled Alana to her feet and led her to the bed, settling themselves down onto the soft purple bedspread. 

"Look, there's my handprint, remember?" Zoe pointed at the wall. 

"Of course I remember." Alana pressed a kiss to her soulmate's cheek. "It reminds me of you when you're not here."

"Gosh you're sappy today." Zoe scooted closer so they could kiss properly, savouring the feeling of Alana's body pressed flush against hers. She rolled so Alana was on top of her, placing a hand on each of her hips. She couldn't help but shiver at the way Alana was looking at her, as though she were the only thing in the world that mattered. "I like it." 

They didn't talk for a while after that, and Alana's assignment definitely did not get finished. 

 

 

Evan: 

 

Evan, Jared, and Connor were in Evan's room doing homework. Heidi was working (no surprise there) and Jared and Connor were both in full avoid-the-parents mode so either of their houses were out of the question. 

Maybe it was the anxiety talking, but Evan couldn't help but feel left out around the other two boys these days. It was as though they had some sort of private secret between them. Connor had been acting weird since the first day of school, and Jared had all of a sudden stopped making inappropriate comments around him (well, _almost_ stopped). Maybe they had become friends when Evan sent Jared to go apologize? Maybe they had gotten on the same page for once? It didn't explain why everything was so strange between them now. Evan wondered if they hung out a lot without him. Maybe they wanted to friendship-break-up with him and didn't know how to say it.

Jared wouldn't do that, right? They were _soulmates_ , after all. 

"I'll go get snacks," Evan excused himself. 

He grabbed a bowl from the kitchen and filled it with pretzels, padding silently up the staircase again to join the others, when he couldn't help but overhear a bizarre conversation through the door. 

"Should we tell him? I think we should tell him." It was Jared. 

"Are you crazy? No way," Connor shot back. "Look, I'm not ready for people to know yet, okay? I'm still processing."

"What is there to process? We found each other, what else do we need to do? I get that you're probably embarrassed by me-" 

"What? Why would you say that?" 

"Oh _please_." Evan had never heard Jared sound that way before. "Like you weren't expecting a normal-"

"Okay, you don't have to say it. I know what we are. Though you do realize who you're talking to, right? You want people to know you're with the school psycho? And what do you mean, normal?" 

"You know. _Normal_. A normal girl who wants to wear makeup and dresses and who cares about whether or not people think she's pretty. Who _wants_ to be pretty, who wants to look like- like  _this_. Or else a normal boy who-" 

"Hey." Connor's voice was soft. "You _are_ a normal boy. Okay? There's nothing wrong with you. It's just a lot to get used to very quickly, I'm still figuring myself out and I need to sort that shit out before we let anyone else know. Okay? You still with me? You're a perfect, amazing, normal boy. A slightly annoying boy sometimes, but still a pretty awesome boy."

"Thanks," Jared murmured. 

Evan didn't really know what to think. They wanted to tell him something, Connor needed to figure something out, they both seemed to think the other would be embarrassed by them- Wait. 

_Are Connor and Jared secret boyfriends?_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of a misunderstanding there Evan lol 
> 
> Connor is the best and dysphoria is kicking my ass. This was cute though, right? Don't mind me, just your boy here projecting onto fictional characters and fishing for compliments. Love you guys!


	11. Connor and Alana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST. FEELINGS. IT'S 2am and i am having EMOTIONS have them with me *evil smirk-y face*

Connor: 

 

"'Come over to my house', yup, great idea, nice going with that one," Connor muttered to himself as he shoved stuff under his bed. Jared was going to come over in minutes, probably, and his room was a disaster. Not that Jared would care what his room looked like, probably. Why would he? " _Fuck_ this is going to be a huge-" 

The doorbell rang. 

 _Mistake_ , Connor finished in his head. 

It had been Jared's idea to meet up over the weekend and make a game plan for telling the group (and various parental units) about their soulmate-ness. Jared wanted to come out to his parents and brother around the same time; "I just need to rip off the band-aid," he'd said, "But we probably shouldn't meet at my house, you know, in case they overhear." 

"Makes sense," Connor had texted back with his address. "My house? Zoe's at either Alana's or Evan's, parents are out until like five, we'd have some space."

"Great! I can borrow the car, be there in ten." 

And now he was here. _Awesome_. 

 

Connor threw a stray hoodie on top of his desk chair and gave the room a final once-over. He wasn't sure why he was even so worried; there were a hundred reasons why Jared probably regretted being soul-bonded to him but his room was hardly on the list.

The bell gave another obnoxious 'ding'. 

"Coming!" Connor shouted irritably as he made it down the stairs to the door. 

“Hey!” Jared greeted him, annoyingly chipper. “You gonna let me in?”

Connor realized he’d been staring. “Yeah, of course.” _God, get it together._ “We’ll go up to my room.” Jared wolf-whistled.

Connor gave him a look, ushering him up the stairs and shutting his bedroom door behind him. It felt weird to have Jared here, different from when it was him and Alana, although Connor supposed every soul-bond was different.

Connor’s eyes unfortunately decided to notice that Jared was wearing one of the sweaters he had given him when he and Evan had supplied Jared with more ‘boy clothes’, a bright red one he’d grown out of a few summers ago and not bothered to get rid of. He hadn’t recognized it by the colour obviously, but it was interesting to see the bright shade filling in the familiar stripes and texture. It was oversized on the smaller boy’s shoulders. Connor looked away. _My eyes must still be adjusting,_ he rationalized.

“It’s very green in here,” Jared observed, looking around the room.

“Evan’s idea,” Connor explained. “He was right, it’s like living in a forest. Kind of.”

“I brought chips,” said Jared, after a pause. The two boys settled on the floor next to Connor’s bed, each taking a pillow to lean back against.

"Thanks for coming," Connor said awkwardly. "I didn't really want to meet like at the library at school or something, I mean no one knows we're..... y'know. Soulmates. And if Evan or someone saw us-" 

"It would be really weird," Jared finished. "Totally got it. Also FYI, I think people saw me sign your cast and they probably think we're dating. Yet another negative side to not passing, if you're friends with a guy you're automatically mistaken for a straight couple." 

"You pass perfectly fine." Connor frowned even as he tried to reassure the other boy. " _That_ sucks though, wouldn't want people thinking I'm straight." 

Jared snorted, then his eyes widened. "Wait, what? So you're-?"

"Super bi, with a pretty strong leaning towards guys? Yep," Connor confirmed, popping the 'p'. "Thought you knew. Evan's somewhere on the bi-pan-queer range too." 

"I seriously didn't know. How did I not know?" 

Connor rolled his eyes. "So, the whole no-one-I-know-is-straight plot twist aside, how are you doing?"

“So…”

“So. You’re coming out soon. That’s brave.”

Jared shrugged. “Had to happen eventually. It’ll be an interesting conversation. ‘So I actually _do_ have another soulmate, who is actually my soulmate’s soulmate’s brother. And oh, right, in case you were wondering I’m also super trans and gay.’ Yup, that sounds like my idea of a fun Friday night.”

“Sorry.” Connor winced. “I mean, you know. It must be hard. I'm not really out to my parents either, but obviously this is a whole different thing."

“I don’t know.” Jared shrugged again. “It’ll go okay? I guess? It’s just complicated. I don’t think they’ll have a problem with it, it’s just a lot to adjust to. They’ll be happy about the soulmate part at least. I’ll be giving them about six whole seconds of happiness before I drop the bomb.”

“What’s so hard to get? There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just who you are.”

“Yeah, and I wish it wasn’t.” Jared looked away.

“Sorry,” Connor said again. “Look man, I don’t know how to be a good soulmate, but when I feel fucking shitty like that Alana puts on music and hugs me.”

Jared looked at him strangely. “Do you want to…?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “I’m not asking you to marry me Jared. Obviously if it makes you uncomfortable I’ll shut up about it and we’ll get back to figuring out a plan. I’m also not the hugging type, at all, but you’re my soulmate and you look really sad right now.”

“Okay,” Jared said quietly.

Connor took out his phone and opened up his playlist; the first song that came up was I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance. How fucking ironic. 

He awkwardly shifted closer to Jared where they were sitting on the floor leaning against the bedframe, letting one arm hang over his shoulders. After a beat, Jared moved into the hug, letting his legs drape over Connor’s and settling down against Connor’s chest. Connor took an unsteady breath and let it out again, hoping Jared couldn’t hear his heart. He rested his chin protectively on the top of Jared’s head.

“This song is fucking loud,” Jared said after a minute’s awkward silence.

“Sorry,” Connor said lightly.

“It’s okay, I like it,” Jared mumbled.

“Dysphoria fucking sucks. Coming out fucking sucks. Every time I think about telling them, I swear to god my heart stops.”

Connor guessed Jared was the type who needed to talk out his feelings. It was probably healthier than the bottle-up-your-emotions-until-you’re-numb approach anyway.

“For the longest time I just wanted it to go away, you know? Thought if I could just try hard enough, I would just live as a girl and everything would be fine. I couldn’t understand why I was so different, what was wrong with me. Even now I- it’s not the first thing I’d change about myself anymore I guess but it still _sucks_. Just wish I could be fucking normal. I don’t have anyone except you and Evan, everyone at school barely tolerates me. I know I’m an asshole a lot of the time but you have to get how hard this is, I can’t deal with it anymore. It just gets too much sometimes, I just feel like I’m drowning. You know what I mean.” It wasn’t a question.

Connor froze. “I- what do you mean?”

“Look I don’t know for sure, I just guessed but-  My soul-mark, your name, it- it bleeds sometimes.”

Connor flinched.

Jared pressed closer, taking his hand and letting Connor feel the mark for himself.

“That won’t happen anymore.” Connor’s voice was soft.

“Good.”

 

Alana: 

Alana knew a secret.

She was in Connor’s head most of the time, how could she not know? Connor and Jared, _soulmates_. It was crazy. Awesome, but insane. She wanted to tell the others, but something told her to let them tell it themselves, when they were ready. She wished she could help Connor through it, help him work out what he was feeling instead of just watching (or listening) to him struggle, but at least she wasn’t his only soul-bond anymore. He had Jared now. And Jared had Evan. Evan had Zoe. And Zoe and Alana…. It was going _very_ well, if she did say so herself. Everything would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo.... i made a tumblr? https://www.tumblr.com/blog/enjolras-lexa  
> check it out if you want! feel free to send me asks or whatever :)


	12. Evan (and Alana and Zoe)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, sorry i've been so MIA recently. 
> 
> um so this is set at the same time as the cute Connor/Jared bonding last chapter. it's just a quick little mini-chap. 
> 
> some talk of anxiety & depression

Evan: 

 

Evan, Zoe and Alana were all hanging out together in Alana's room Saturday afternoon, the two girls curled up together as Evan third-wheeled awkwardly. Actually no, Evan knew that they made an effort to include him, but it's never really fun hanging out with a couple. At least, Evan didn't think so, and these days it was all he did. 

 _Still can't believe Connor and Jared are dating,_ Evan thought morosely. He had kept that little fact a secret from the others, since Jared and Connor clearly weren't ready to make their relationship public yet, but dealing with it on his own was really starting to suck. And the other little secret, that Evan had barely admitted to even himself.... nope no one needed to know that either, it was confusing enough without being made fun of, or worse, pitied. 

"What's up, Ev?" Zoe asked, catching Evan off guard. 

"Um, what? Sorry..."

"No no, you just seem sorta... in your head. Everything okay?" 

"Fine, fine, I'm just, well, uh-" Evan stammered as he tried to find a subject of conversation that _wasn't_ how jealous and conflicted he was over the two guys he was  _definitely not crushing on._ Zoe waited patiently for him to gather his words. "You know how Christine kinda made me try out for the play because not enough boys were going out for it? Well I got in, and just the whole public-speaking-acting thing isn't going super great." 

"It's cool you did that though!" Alana said encouragingly, "I think it's awesome that you're putting in an effort to join a group. Isn't it fun to be around people who care about the same kinds of things?" 

Evan was reminded of a similar conversation he'd had with his mother. "Well yeah, but you know. Christine and everyone are all so... outgoing? Like apparently I'm the only introverted-anxious-type theatre person in the world? And so like the actual play is going better than I expected but it's- uh. Like none of them really get what's going on with me? So they're all talking in little groups during break and I'm the weird quiet kid in the background. I mean I'm not like silently staring at everyone but I'm not really involved in their conversations? And whenever I do talk it's super quiet and stutter-y so they have to ask me to repeat myself thirty million times which is just really awesome of course. So they all think I'm just really shy and timid and passive which I guess is kinda true but also a lot of it is _anxiety_ , and it's just-"

He broke off to get himself together again. He fidgeted with his fingertips and stared at the ground, feeling the girls' eyes on him as he attempted to speak. At least they never interrupted or talked over him like everyone else always did. 

"None of them get how hard I have to fight myself _just to be there_ , let alone not-disassociate the whole time and actually take an active part in a conversation in a group of nineteen people." 

Zoe gave Alana a quick cheek-peck, got up from the bed and sat on the floor to give Evan a hug.

"Thanks," he muttered into her shoulder. "It's- It's not-. It's never going to get better, is it?" 

No one knew what to say after that.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan's anxiety = me in dance troupe. send help pls. 
> 
> Comment, kudos, subscribe, and yell at me on tumblr (enjolras_lexa)!


	13. Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set one week after last chapter. 
> 
> TW for suicidal thoughts (pretty much standard procedure by now) and thoughts of self-harm

 

Connor: 

 

Connor stretched out on his bed alone, trying not to think about how much he missed being with Miguel or how much he wished he and Zoe were closer or how much he wanted Jared and Evan or how much he wished Alana wasn't telepathic because she could probably hear all the things he was 'trying not to think about' (read: _totally_ thinking about) anyway even if he tried to suppress it. 

"Why is my life so. Royally. Fucked," he whispered at the ceiling. He didn't get an answer, but he hadn't really been expecting one. 

He growled.

Cutting wasn't even a option anymore to make the noise and pressure in his head calm the fuck down. Nope, not with two soulmates who are basically his own personal suicide watch, one who's telepathic and another _who literally bleeds_ whenever he does it. He'll never be able to apologize to Jared enough to make up for basically cutting him.

" _God_ , he must have been feeling that every other day for....god it's been like three or four years."

Although to be fair, if anyone needed their own personal suicide watch it would probably be him. Whatever higher power that assigned soulmates together probably figured 'Hey, he'll be pretty fucked up from not having a soulmate his whole childhood, better make sure he can't off himself once the soulmates actually fucking bother to show up.' 

"AGHHHHHHH!" He gave a muffled scream into his pillow. A second or two later, there was a knock at the door. 

"What?!" he shouted. 

Larry peeked his head in the door. "I heard a noise, just wondering if you're okay."

Connor bit back a retort.  _No, of course I'm not fucking okay, where have you been my entire fucking life._ "Stubbed my toe," he offered instead. 

"Oh." Larry nodded. "Well, if you want to come down later, dinner should be together in about half an hour." 

"I'm not hungry." 

"You haven't eaten all day." 

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?" he shot back angrily, no longer able to contain himself. 

Larry flinched, but kept his voice soft. "You didn't eat breakfast this morning, you never pack a lunch and I'm pretty sure you don't buy lunch at school either because you're a picky eater and cafeteria food is never good. And you didn't make toast like you usually do after school. And I don't think you ate much yesterday either. So for the last fucking time, please come downstairs and eat some food." 

Connor wasn't sure if it was the swear word or the tone, but he had never heard his father sound so defeated before. 

"Fine," he replied, trying to make it sound sarcastic but it landed weak. 

Larry nodded, seeming unsure of what to say next. "It's nice out, we should go for a walk." 

Connor laughed bitterly. "What, and throw a ball around while we're at it? Seriously?"

"It's just a walk Connor, you could stand to get some fresh air. You don't have to talk to me just- just please come for a walk with me. You've seemed....worse lately. If you could take your mind off everything, get out of your head for ten minutes-" 

"And a walk is going to fix me?" 

Larry looked away. "Just get your jacket, please." 

Connor wordlessly got up and put on his jacket and sneakers and followed his father downstairs. They went outside and started a slow, aimless walk around suburbia. About five minutes in, Connor couldn't take the awkward silence anymore, not when there was a chance Larry might actually listen. 

"I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." 

Larry's face contorted like he was in immense physical pain. He reached out and squeezed Connor's shoulder, as if to reassure himself that his son was still there. Connor let him. 

****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this hurt my feelings a little bit
> 
> come yell at me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/enjolras-lexa)


	14. Alana and Jared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly dialogue. It's also cute and non-angsty! Featuring Alana Beck: Matchmaker Extraordinaire

Alana: 

Alana was in the library during lunch at her usual table where she always sat, making biology flashcards and highlighting obsessively in a variety of fluorescent colours (as Zoe called it, _In full Sherlock-when-the-game-is-on Mode_ ), when Zoe tapped her on the shoulder.

“Hey!”

Alana couldn’t control how her face lit up and broke into a smile immediately. “ _Hey_ , long time no see.”

“Since last night? Hardly,” Zoe scoffed, but she gave Alana a quick peck on the lips before sitting down on the empty chair next to her. “You know the bell’s going to ring soon, right?”

“Is it?” Alana fumbled for her watch. “Shoot. Shoot, darn, _ugh_ freaking gosh! I have like six notebooks I need from my locker. _Shoot_.”

“You can swear y’know,” Zoe smirked. “Come on, I’ll help carry stuff. We have plenty of time.”

 

Alana and Zoe were kissing by Alana's locker when Connor showed up. 

"I need to talk to you," he announced brusquely after tapping both girls on the shoulders. There were many Murphy traits the two siblings shared, and interrupting Alana during anything at all was unfortunately one of them.

Zoe frowned. "Uh, _asshole_ , we're kinda in the middle of-" 

"Soulmate Privileges." 

Zoe exhaled heavily but she nodded and allowed Connor to drag Alana off to a quiet spot behind the school (that sounds like innuendo but it is SO NOT). 

The two Murphy siblings had come to the agreement after the never-to-be-spoken-of-again-walking-in-on-during- _ahem private activities_ -incident a few weeks earlier that Connor would give the new couple space unless either Alana asked him to hang out or he said the phrase 'Soulmate Privileges', a code phrase meaning 'I am about to have a meltdown and I really need my best friend'. So far the agreement was working alright and the fragile truce between Zoe and Connor had not been broken. Alana was just happy that the two most important people in her life weren't at each other's throats (and that Connor was no longer at risk of walking in on her doing  _ahem private things_ to/with his sister. Yeah, all three parties involved in that incident were REALLY relieved that it would NEVER BE REPEATED EVER AGAIN.)

"-And then he kinda squeezed my shoulder, like it was supposed to be a huge fucking gesture that he's actually not dismissing my problems for a change," Connor huffed. He ran his hands through his long dark hair, grabbed two fistfuls and pulled roughly. Alana winced.

"It kinda is though! I mean for the way you two were before, this is progress! Pretty huge amazing progress!" She tried to remain cheerful despite the negative whirl of Connor’s thoughts.

"I guess." 

Alana's brow furrowed. "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing, it's just- Jared's soulmark-" he stopped abruptly. "He can feel it when I cut. And he only told me about this pretty recently, so it got me thinking and- I know you can hear everything I'm thinking."

"You already knew-"

"No," Connor began to raise his voice, "You  _said_  you could get a basic idea of my like, mental state. Feelings, a few images, a  _few_  thoughts. Not every little word."

Alana looked at the ground. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to freak you out. Please don't be mad." 

"I'm not mad it's just-" Connor kicked a pebble into oblivion. "Don't hide stuff like that from me." 

"Anyway, how did you-" 

"-Figure it out?" Connor finished. "You've just been really concerned and attentive lately. Like, particularly so. So basically you're a good soulmate and I'm a dick."

"You're not." Alana gave him a look. "I just wanted to give you a little privacy. I didn't lie, it does get less and less clear the further away you are even though I can still kinda feel you there. And when you're really upset it's too much of a chaotic mess, sorry, to make clear sense of. And most of the time I can, well, mute you. I try to check in when I can tell things are bad, but mostly I didn't tell you because I don't want you feel self-conscious in your own head. I can mute you more if you'd rather." 

"Don't bother, unless I'm bugging you," Connor waved her off. "I mean, give me a little space when I'm like, jerking off and stuff." 

Alana wrinkled her nose. "Already an established practice. Speaking of, um,  _that_ -"

"Smooth," Connor interrupted, blushing in a very un-Connor-y way. "And yeah, I figured, you know about the Jared stuff. And I guess the Evan stuff too." 

Alana gave him another look. 

"FINE! I'll say it out loud." Connor blew a strand of hair out of his eyes. "Jared's my soulmate."

"We covered that already! The other thing!" Alana shoved his shoulder impatiently, though being like half his height it didn’t really do anything. 

"Fine fine fine."  _I like him, okay? And Evan._  Connor thought at her, then went quiet for a moment. 

"There!" Alana congratulated him. "Was that so hard to admit?" 

"Ughhhhh, yes it was. I don't do having-feelings-for-people." 

"What about Miguel?" 

Connor made a face. "We had sex. Not the same thing." 

"Shut up, you were totally in love with him, I'm in your head remember? But now you're in love with Jared and Evan!" Alana rubbed her hands together mischievously. 

 Connor's eyes narrowed. "What are you going to-" 

"Jared!" Alana said suddenly.  _Oops, sorry Connor_. 

 

 

Jared: 

Connor whirled around, going an even brighter shade of red than he had been before Jared walked up. 

Jared didn't know what to say. He thought he'd already had a complicated life, but with this information to consider....he shook his head. No, he couldn’t process all this now. Things were bad enough without romantic drama.  

“Uh, what did you, uh-“

“Yeah I heard pretty much everything,” Jared cut off Connor’s stammering. “Not the main problem right now if that’s okay. Hi Alana, I guess you know we’re soulmates. Connor wanted to keep it secret but I guess there wasn’t much point.”

“What happened?” Alana asked, probably sensing that Connor’s brain wasn’t in saying-coherent-things-to-your-crush mode right now. Neither was Jared’s but whatever. He’d made this plan, it fell through. Connor was the failsafe option, unresolved sexual tension aside.

Jared swallowed, bracing himself. “I told them.”

There was a dramatic pause.

“Yeah, we’re gonna need a little more information,” Connor managed. “Also, you look nauseous, is everything okay?”

“My parents, I told them. I came out to them this morning.” He looked at the ground, swallowing again hard and biting his lower lip. _Control yourself fuck fuck fuck-_

“What did they say?” Connor asked softly. Jared wanted to bury his head in Connor’s chest, just inhale his lemon shower gel and sob, but with what he’d just overheard- He managed a smile, despite everything or maybe because of it.

“Can I stay at your house tonight?”

The bell rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to fanart, kudos, and subscribe! Also in case you didn't know comments make me happiness cry. Also come yell at me on tumblr. 
> 
> [tumblr link](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/enjolras-lexa)


	15. Jared and Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhh this chapter!!!! it's so long are you proud?!
> 
> oh there's some canon dialogue (i.e. not mine) 
> 
> ummm that's it? TW for dysphoria and....I think that's it!

Jared: 

 

Jared and Connor sat together in Zoe's car (Zoe had gone home with Alana) after school, parked in the driveway in front of the Murphy house. Connor sat in the driver's seat, one hand still resting on the wheel, the other with the white cast bearing Jared's name resting in his lap. He kept stealing glances at Jared every few minutes. Jared pretended not to notice from where he was slumped in the passenger seat with his head against the cool glass of the window. 

"How do you want to play this?" Connor asked finally. When Jared didn't respond, he continued, "My parents are going to be home soon, and they still don't know we're soulmates." 

"Neither do mine," Jared replied finally. "I didn't have time, I just sorta blurted my coming out over breakfast. We didn't exactly have room for small talk." 

Connor nodded. Jared watched Connor’s facial expressions change out of the corner of his eye as he tried to find a tactful way to ask. "How'd they take it?" 

"I don't want to talk about it,” Jared answered quickly.  

There was another minute or so of tense silence. Jared let his eyes fall shut, trying not to think about anything at all. He concentrated on the feeling in his hand; Evan's name was prickling slightly, maybe a tourist had asked him for directions or he'd had to order a coffee somewhere. Connor's name had gotten very warm and gone an un-Connor-y shade of bright pink when Jared had walked in on him and Alana talking earlier, maybe it meant embarrassment ( ~~or love)~~. 

"We should go inside," said Jared, opening his eyes at last and unbuckling his seatbelt. "I'll need to borrow some pajamas or whatever and a toothbrush later too." 

"We should have an extra toothbrush somewhere," Connor confirmed as they got out of the car, "Or we can always buy whatever toiletries you need, there's a pharmacy up the road." 

Jared was glad Connor didn't ask how long he was staying. He didn't really know the answer to that yet either.

He followed Connor up the stairs to his room, flung his backpack on the floor next to Connor's desk with unnecessary force, and flopped down on Connor's bed without asking. He carefully took off his glasses and placed them on the nightstand beside the bed, and shut his eyes again.

"I'm going to call my parents to let them know you're staying over, Alana's probably already told Zoe but I don't know if she called them yet." Connor made to excuse himself from his own room. 

"You can introduce me as Leah," Jared offered before Connor could leave. "I know I don't exactly pass as male. I can sleep in Zoe's room if your parents feel weird about you having a girl in your room." 

"That's probably what's going to have to happen," Connor admitted, "It's such bullshit. You shouldn't have to deal with this today on top of everything else." 

Jared laughed mirthlessly. "No offense, but I already came out to my parents today. I don't think I can handle coming out to yours." 

"Fair enough."

Jared relaxed once he heard Connor shut the door, curled up on his soulmate's bed and tried to sleep. 

 

***

 

He didn't wake up until he felt a cold hand on his bare shoulder, shaking him gently awake. Jared opened his eyes and blinked blearily at Connor. 

"My parents got home about an hour ago, I think we're eating soon." 

Jared sat up and put on his glasses. Someone (probably Connor?) had taken off his shoes and tucked him under the covers while he slept. 

"What did you tell them?" 

"Just that you're a friend of mine from school and your parents were going out of town, so you might have to stay a couple nights," Connor explained. "I tried to keep it vague, get away from the soulmate thing and the trans thing that would need a bit more detail. I just said you hadn't gotten much sleep last night and needed a quick nap before dinner." 

"So in other words you lied your ass off." Jared shook his head at Connor in mock-disapproval. "You should've just gone along with whatever they brought up, all you have to do is just nod and confirm. Hardly anything I tell _my_ parents is true and they have no idea.”

“I can bring food up here,” Connor offered. “You probably don’t want to subject yourself to ‘Dinner at the Murphy House’ right now.”

“It’ll make it weird if I’m holed up here all night,” Jared pointed out. “We might as well just get it over with then have an early night. Zoe back yet?”

“Unfortunately no so we don’t have a buffer, but she might stay at Alana’s tonight too so you can take over her room for the night. The parental units don’t know they’re dating yet so she can stay over at her soulmate’s house whenever, no questions asked. Lucky for her.”

“Connor! Dinner’s ready!” Cynthia’s voice carried upstairs.

“What do you think we’re having?” Jared asked, though he wasn’t really in a mood to eat.

“Gluten-free vegan lasagna. Call the CDC,” Connor replied dryly.

They reluctantly went downstairs to join Connor’s parents at the table.

“Hey there, you must be Connor’s girlfriend Leah! I’m Cynthia,” Connor’s mom said cheerfully as she served the food.

"Not my _girlfriend_ Mom, Jesus Christ." 

"Oh I'm sorry Leah, Cynthia and I assumed when Connor brought up he was having a girl staying over-" 

Connor faked a loud coughing fit. Jared didn't know whether or not to laugh. 

"So you are, sorry-" 

“Larry,” Connor’s dad introduced himself, shaking Jared’s hand. “I have to say, Connor never mentioned you before, we were surprised. We didn’t think Connor had _any_ friends.”

Connor winced. “I have friends,” he mumbled.

“Well, Alana and Evan you know more through Zoe, we were just-“

“Anyway,” Jared said hurriedly. “I’m Evan’s other soulmate, and Connor and I have a lot of classes together, we’re pretty much best friends.” Lie. “It was nice of him to invite me to stay over while my parents are out of town on their business trip.” Lie #2, he was breaking his own rule.

Jared took a cautious bite of the lasagna instead. Surprisingly it wasn’t half bad either, so he focused on his food as Connor deflected more questions and visibly faltered as tried to say ‘she’ as little as possible. Jared tried to convey through tight smiles that it was okay, that he knew there wasn't really any other option, but the whole dinner just felt even more tense. 

“Connor, who’s Jared?” Cynthia asked. Jared jerked up his head involuntarily at his name and tried to pass it off as a spasm.

“Uh, who?” Connor played dumb.

“I didn’t notice before, it says ‘Jared’ on your cast,” Cynthia pointed out.

“Oh, uh, he’s another friend from school.”

 “Well maybe we could meet him sometime,” Larry suggested, seeming pleased that Connor had another friend.

“Yeah, sure.” Connor looked like he was trying hard not to laugh.

 

“Do you want some dessert?” Cynthia offered, noticing Jared had finished his lasagna. “The Harrises brought a pie over from next door.”

“Did Connor tell you about the Harrises?” Larry asked. “We used to all go skiing together?”

Jared nodded, even though Connor hadn’t. “Connor loves skiing.”

Connor kicked him under the table.

Larry looked at him strangely. “I thought he hated skiing.”

“Oh yeah, that’s what I meant,” Jared muttered, “He loves to talk about how much he hates skiing.” Lie #3. This was going well.

“Anyway, we’re not really hungry for dessert,” Connor said hastily. “I’ll just get…Leah…set up in Zoe’s room.”

They ran back upstairs as soon as Cynthia would let them get away.

 

“God, what a fucking nightmare,” Connor exhaled heavily once they were safely back in his room. “Sorry for that.”

Jared shrugged. “It wasn’t the worst thing that’s happened today.”

They were silent for a moment.

“Do you want sweatpants?” Connor asked. “You can borrow whatever to sleep in.”

“Sure,” Jared agreed awkwardly. “Grab me that spare toothbrush?”

“Sure.” Connor left the room to let Jared change.

Jared took a breath to brace himself, then rummaged through Connor’s closet and chest of drawers for something that might fit, which wasn’t easy since Connor was like a foot taller than him and had much longer legs. Eventually he picked some dark grey sweatpants (he had to roll them up) and a baggy black T-shirt and got dressed. He hesitated when he got to his binder, he’d never gone without it in front of Connor before, then grimaced and pulled it off. It wasn’t as though he could sleep in it, and he’d be in Zoe’s room for the night anyway.

He crossed his arms over his chest, wishing he’d had a sportsbra or something in his backpack, and sifted through Connor’s sweaters for a hoodie that wouldn’t be gigantic on him considering they were baggy on Connor’s tall frame. He settled on a black hoodie he’d seen Connor wear to school a few times and zipped it up, checking the effect in the mirror. Well, it wasn’t perfect but it would have to do.

 

 

Connor: 

 

Connor screwed around on his phone in the hallway while he waited for Jared, having already found a purple toothbrush in its plastic packaging and a little travel-sized toothpaste in one of those little goodie-bags you get at the dentist.

Jared nearly tripped over him when he came out of his room. Connor looked up, swallowing hard. He had not anticipated what it would do to him to see his crush wearing his clothes, but he told himself firmly not to be a pervert and to stop staring at him.

“Uh, so you can get set up in Zoe’s room,” Connor said, getting up from where he’d been sitting on the floor and gesturing to the door across the hall from his own room. “Oh here.” He handed Jared the bag.

“Thanks,” Jared mumbled. “Um, so I need to, uh. Will Zoe mind if I borrow….something?”

Connor must’ve looked confused, but it clicked when Jared gestured vaguely to his chest. Oh. _Oh_!

“She won’t care I don’t think, go ahead,” Connor mumbled, feeling his face heat up. “She’ll have a sportsbra or a workout top or whatever, just take what you need.”

Jared nodded awkwardly, then disappeared into Zoe’s room.

Connor cringed, then disappeared into his own room to change into sweatpants and read for a while. There was a knock on his door around 11pm.

“Yeah?” Connor hoped it wasn’t his parents, he so did not want to deal with them right now.

“It’s me.” It was Jared.

“Come in.” Connor closed his book.

Jared came in awkwardly clutching his backpack. “Can I stay in here tonight actually? Zoe came home just now and, I don’t know. It’s weird being in her room.”

 _Weirder than staying with me?_ Connor wondered, though he guessed it was true that Jared and Zoe didn’t know each other all that well. “Yeah sure, it’s not like my parents would know. I’ll just….put on a shirt,” he said when he realized he was dressed for bed and not for like, being seen by anyone. He flushed and grabbed a hoodie from off the floor as Jared got into bed, hoping that he hadn’t seen much of his embarrassingly skinny body in the dim light (or his scars).

“Do you want to go to sleep, or-“

“Whatever is fine,” Connor replied, squeezing back in next to Jared, careful not to accidentally let their bodies touch.

Jared nodded and switched off the lamp. Connor tried to settle down next to him while keeping space between them, but it was only a twin bed and it wasn’t easy.

“I think I like you too,” Jared said into the darkness.

Wait, what? “Uh-I. What do you-?”

“Like what, uh. What I overheard you and Alana talking about, was that for real?”

Connor flinched and squeezed his eyes shut in mortification. “Yes.”

“Well, I. I think I like you back, it’s just things are kinda complicated with me right now-“

“We don’t have to talk about this now Jared,” Connor said quickly. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Jared fell silent for a moment. “It’s just- can you hold me like you did that one time?”

Connor was definitely blushing again. Thank God it was dark and Jared couldn’t tell. “Uh-I-um- yeah sure,” he managed.

Jared rolled over so they were facing each other, then awkwardly scooted closer. Connor moved closer as well, then pulled Jared into a weird, one-armed hug and rubbed his back a little. He thought Jared might be crying a little. He heard him sniff loudly again in his ear.

Connor rearranged his limbs in the small space and inhaled Jared’s shampoo, willing his body not to have an inappropriate erection from their closeness (miraculously enough it actually worked).

 

“They kicked me out,” Jared whispered a few minutes later. He was definitely crying harder now. “Connor-“

“Shhhh,” Connor tried to soothe him, pulling the shorter boy impossibly closer and squeezing him tight as he shook with sobbing. “It’ll all be okay in the morning.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhhhhh bedsharing ahhhhhhhh talking about their feelings ahhhhh asdfghjkl !!!!!
> 
> Kudos! Subscribe! Fun fact: comments make me happiness cry <3
> 
> come yell at me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/enjolras-lexa)


	16. Alana and Jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soft Connor, flirty boys. Flirty Alana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I hadn’t realized that it’s been like a month since I last updated. Oops? Anyway, here’s a peace offering. It’s cute, I promise.

 

 

Alana:

 

Alana woke up in her bed alone, immediately missing Zoe’s warmth next to her.

She rolled over to check her phone, and yup, despite it only being 8:00 Zoe had already texted. Alana smiled and dialled her number. Zoe picked up on the second ring.

“Why good morning sunshine,” she said cheerfully. “Or should I say good afternoon?”

“Oh shush, it’s early,” Alana grumbled. She was definitely not a morning person. “I miss you.”

“I can bike over?” Zoe offered. “Just let me get dressed, I can be there in an hour or less for round two of what we started last night.”

Alana hummed in satisfaction. “Sounds good. My parents are on their business trip until Monday.”

“Better use our time wisely then,” Zoe said seriously. “Get all our homework done, do some math revision-“

“Do you until we lose count of how many times we’ve-“

“‘Lana!” Zoe pretended to be shocked.

“Well get over here! I’m going into Zoe withdrawal.”

“‘Zoe withdrawal’,” Zoe cooed. “You’re adorable.”

 

 

 

 

Jared:

 

When Jared woke up the next morning, Connor was already gone.

He sat up in bed (Connor’s bed) and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, stretching slightly and grabbing his glasses off the nightstand (Connor’s nightstand).

Just then the door opened (Connor’s door). It was Connor, shockingly enough.

He let himself in quietly, easing the door closed and being careful not to let it slam.

“Hi,” said Jared. Connor jumped.

“I didn’t know you were awake.” He rearranged his facial expression to something Jared couldn’t read easily. “The parents aren’t home, just so you know.”

“Just woke up,” Jared replied. He glanced at the alarm clock (Connor’s clock) and made a face. “Good thing it’s Saturday, or we’d be really fucking late for school.”

Connor smiled tensely. “Look,” he began, “I called Evan to fill him in on your whole situation, turns out Zoe had already told him. Anyway, you can stay at his house, that way you can be ‘Jared’ because his mom won’t care, and you can sleep on their pullout couch instead of in Zoe’s room or crammed in here with me.”

“Oh.” Jared didn’t really know what to say. He tried not to let his face show his disappointment. “No that’s really good. I’ll thank him, I know they don’t have a huge amount of space at his house as it is.”

“Yeah, just y’know. Personal space. And you’ve known Evan longer, so I just figured-“

“Yeah of course, I’ll be way more comfortable there. Good. Cool.”

“Really cool.”

“Insanely cool.”

This time Connor laughed. Nervously. “So good. Um, and about what we said last night-“

“I don’t want to talk about my parents.”

“No! Fuck sorry I didn’t mean-“ Connor exhaled heavily and tucked a stray strand of dark hair behind his ear. “I was talking about, y’know-“

Connor was blushing. Jared would have been able to tell without even looking at him just from how hot his soul-mark was getting.

“You- the-“ Connor made a face and kicked at the door to relieve whatever was going on in his head. Jared wondered briefly if he was having some sort of stroke. “You said you liked me back.”

Oh. That.

“Connor-“

“It’s okay if you didn’t mean it,” Connor said hurriedly, “You were all emotional about...y’know. The thing I’m not going to talk about. And I don’t want to put pressure on you. But I just thought you’d be more comfortable at Evan’s house anyway, what with my own parental units being of the prying and invasive persuasion, and maybe if you weren’t staying here you’d be more comfortable with maybe going on a date or something. Just so you wouldn’t have to see me 24/7 as well as go out with me. Which you don’t even want to, so forget I brought it up-“

“Hey.” Jared cut him off, climbing out of bed and noticing the way Connor’s eyes glanced quickly down at Jared’s sweatpants (which were in fact Connor’s). “It was a good idea. I’ll stay at Evan’s. And I do like you. A lot actually. You’re pretty hot you know.”

Connor’s name burned even warmer on his hand. 

“If you wanted to try dating, it might be worth a shot,” Jared finished.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Connor made a face. “If you say ‘maybe okay will be our always’, I’m breaking up with you.”

Jared pretended to be offended. “At least wait until you’re my boyfriend first.”

“Good point,” Connor noted. “I’m going to kiss you now, if you want to.”

Instead of answering, Jared got on tiptoe and kissed him. It was nice. A little weird, very unfamiliar, and definitely Jared’s first kiss (not that he would be telling Connor that) but mostly it was just really nice.

 After a minute or so, Connor pulled back. Jared made a small disappointed sound. 

“There’s something else you should know,” Connor began. “I like Evan too. I mean obviously I’m really crazy into you, but I’ve had a crush on Evan since we were kids and-“

“Hey.” Jared was getting good at this. “Not the jealous type. If you work things out with Evan, he can be your boyfriend number two. If not, it’s just a crush, no big. We’re not exclusive because we’re not even dating officially, plus polyamory is a thing.”

Connor blinked. “It’s a thing you’re okay with?”

Jared shrugged.

“I mean, keep me in the loop, and I’ll probably want to be in a closed relationship at some point, but Evan can be in the picture too. Just don’t fuck him without telling me, and don’t fuck anyone else without clearing it with me first either.”

“Same goes for you.” Connor encircled Jared’s waist with his arms protectively.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Yes, on the off chance that anyone actually offers to fuck me, I’ll let you know.”

“Well I’m offering, just so you know.” Connor blushed again as he said it. Jared could get used to that.

“I’ll keep your application in mind,” Jared quipped, pulling Connor down for another kiss. Yep, he could definitely get used to this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commencenent, subway, and kiwis! Whoops, autocorrect. Well, you get the idea.


	17. Zoe and Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cute? Maybe? Finals are kicking my ass, i don't even know what cute is anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An actual update? Sure looks like one!   
> Idk what to do with the girls anymore now that they're together so here's another cute snippet with a side of (drumroll) Evan/Jared! Ish!   
> Also a bit of canon dialogue (not mine, don't sue. I'm just a poor student boy.) 
> 
> (Picks up exactly where we left off btw. Same day.)

Zoe: 

Zoe smiled lazily from where she was curled up against her girlfriend’s side, purring quietly like a cat as Alana stroked and played with her hair. Alana curled a strand around her finger, then let the lock fall, pushing her fingers along Zoe’s scalp and making her sigh contentedly.

She lifted her head to kiss the barely visible mark she’d left on Alana’s shoulder, before letting it fall back against Alana’s chest. “How’s your Zoe withdrawal now?”

Alana flicked her ear.

“Ouch!”

“How long are you going to make fun of me for that?”

Zoe pretended to think about it. “Hmmmm. Depends. How long can you put up with me for?”

“Forever,” Alana said seriously.

Zoe beamed.

“Guess you’re stuck with me then!” Zoe scooted up suddenly and kissed Alana’s nose. “Round 3?”

Instead of answering, Alana drew her in for another kiss.

 

 

 

Evan: 

 

“-And here’s your room! For now, I mean,” Evan added quickly. “Because they’ll definitely come around really soo-“

“It’s okay,” Jared said tiredly. “Thanks again.” He plunked his backpack down on the pullout couch in the study that Heidi called the ‘Guest Room’.

“How was staying over at Connor’s house?” Evan asked after a minute’s awkward silence. He tried not to look overly invested, or worse, jealous. Just another day in the life of a regular guy whose two crushes were dating each other. Totally casual.

“Fine. His parents are…well. I’m not out to them, so it was a little awkward. Other than that it was fine.”

“Do they know?” Evan asked before he could stop himself.

Jared looked at him oddly. “Know…that I’m trans? I just covered that?”

Evan flushed. “No, I mean. That you guys are…dating?”

Jared’s eyes widened. “How- It just happened this morning? So no? How did you know?”

Now it was Evan’s turn to be surprised. “But- I overheard you a little while after you signed his cast and you guys became friends….You were acting like you had a secret and I just sorta assumed-“

Jared burst out laughing. “Wow Ev, you’re really outta the loop. Though I guess Alana only just found out, but I figured she would’ve told Zoe who would’ve told you- We’re…Connor and I are soulmates. That was the secret. He didn’t want to tell anyone, but it all kind of came out anyway.”

“You’re…. _oh_.” Evan’s thoughts were going a mile a minute. So he still had a chance? Maybe? Except… _It just happened this morning….._

“But- you are also-“ he broke off.

“Dating? I- I think so. Yeah, we are,” Jared confirmed, shaking his head as though he still couldn’t quite believe it himself. And Evan’s heart sank again, even lower than it had been originally. False hope will do that to you, even if it just lasts a few seconds.

“How did it happen?” Evan asked despite himself, studying the floor as though the meaning of life were written on the carpet.

“Well- It’s kind of a long story,” Jared began, sitting down on the couch. Evan followed his lead.

 “I had his name on my hand all my life, right next to yours and mine, but I- I don’t know. I didn’t think it was really him? Or I didn’t want to? And maybe I thought he’d be disappointed to have, well, someone like me as a soulmate. I only really found you because of Alana, I never would’ve looked for you myself. I didn’t think about how that would affect Connor. He- I don’t know how well you know him. He’s not doing great. It’s like when you get anxious, I can feel it when….when he’s hurt.” Jared caught Evan’s eye to see if he knew what he was implying. Evan nodded, feeling a pain in his chest. “So after that shitty comment I said, I knew I had to do something but I couldn’t. But you said I should apologize, so I went to talk to him like you told me to, and I found him in the computer lab. I ended up signing his cast, our fingers brushed, and he started seeing colour.”

Evan’s heart twinged painfully as Jared’s face broke into an uncontrollable smile.

“So yeah!” Jared went on. “I overheard him and Alana talking and she said that he was in- that he liked me I mean. And today, I told him I liked him back, and we kissed! So that’s it I guess. Weird, right? I mean, did you know? That he felt that way? I mean, you’re friends, right? Does he ever talk about me?”

Evan didn’t know what to say. Jared just looked so hopeful, and with everything with his parents he’d been so sad before, and he wanted Evan to say something, and-

“Uh, yeah. All the time,” Evan heard himself blurt out. “I mean, he’s definitely talked at least once about your smile, because….it’s…..good.” Yeah, he wouldn’t be writing any love sonnets anytime soon. He took a deep breath in and out. _Get it together._ “He’s just always had a feeling that you’d end up together. And he knows that you haven’t always been great friends, but he’s always just sorta thought that if he could just talk to you….you might notice him. And you both….neither of you deserve half the- the _bullshit_ you go through. And you both deserve so much to be happy. He’s never come outright and _said_ it, but I think he’s always thought ‘If I could just talk to him, things might be different.’ Everything might be different. If I could tell him-“

Evan had been inching closer the whole time he’d been babbling, but all of a sudden he felt himself lurch forward and kiss Jared.  

 _Nooooo! What the fuck are you doing???? He loves Connor! Who you also like! Fuck!!_ Evan’s brain screamed at him even as every cell in his body screamed “ _YES_!”

He pulled back quickly, barely registering the surprise and shock in Jared’s face as he lost himself immediately in a shame-ridden mixture of self-loathing and panic.

“What are you doing?” Jared asked, not unkindly, but Evan’s anxiety was in overdrive.

“I’m so sorry!” he shouted, and bolted out the door.

 

 

Zoe: 

 

“Hey, whoa Ev, calm down, it’s okay,” Zoe did her best to soothe after making her excuses to a half-dressed Alana (“Soulmate privileges?” “Fair enough.”).  “What happened?”

Evan explained. Zoe’s eyes nearly shot out of her skull. She began to laugh.

“It’s not funny!”

“It is a _little_ , Ev!” Zoe giggled. “I can’t _believe_ you tried to kiss Jared. On the pullout couch. After he and my brother started _dating_ -“

“SHUT UP!” Evan protested. He buried his face in Zoe’s pillow and gave a muffled scream.

“Well, good luck with that,” Zoe said bracingly, clapping him on the back. “If it helps, I still love you. No hetero.”

Evan pulled himself up and good-naturedly flipped her off. “Thanks.”  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> "If I could tell him-" 
> 
> Anyway.   
> I hate finals. Send virtual hugs and fruit baskets.


	18. End

Not a chapter, just wanted to say I don’t think I’m going to continue this. It’s already pretty much done, I think we all understand they get together. I just don’t really have ideas for this anymore. 

Thank you so much for all the support, and sorry to let you guys down.


End file.
